Monday, March 29, 2010

Thursday!

Last Thursday when I got home from work I said I was going to sit down and blog about the wonderful day I’d had. But, I did not. Therefore I am now going to have to give you the watered down version with bits and pieces that I can’t remember left lingering in the gloriousness that was Thursday. Because today is Monday and Thursday has gone away.

The week started really well last week because Monday was a holiday. It was Human Right Day so of course school was closed and I had the day off. I woke up and had breakfast and tea in the garden. Then Mpho came over. We had a photo shoot then spent the rest of the afternoon picnicking and having girl talk in Kirstenbosh Gardens which is a huge very popular collection of gardens right on the slopes of Table Mountain. We went to Woolworth’s and bought fruit, sandwiches, chips, chocolate and other snacks then took a taxi up to the gardens. It was really beautiful. We just talked and laughed and had a great time as usual. It started to get a little chilly toward the end, but besides that everything was perfect. Afterwards I came home and a meeting with Pastor Vusi. I told him the great news about the grant that I am receiving next month. He was ecstatic! And we also discussed orphanage plans and plans to help make my class be sustainable after I leave. As far as the orphanage goes we came up with a great fundraising plan. We need to raise $4,300 to buy the land for the orphanage and we found this grant offered by the US Embassy. But instead of just applying for the grant to use the money to build the orphanage we are going to submit a proposal to pay for two things. Firstly, we are going to buy a t-shirt printing machine. We went to the place to shop for it the other day and they have a package where you can get the machine, a bulk order of blank t-shirts, and the transfer paper all together. So what we are going to do (to continue with the “Art for Africa” theme) is design t-shirts and print them ourselves and sell them, then use the proceeds for the land fund. I am going to send a bunch home to the states and you all must sell them to everyone you know for $10 each. We are also going to sell them at his church here and at the University of Cape Town. Secondly, we are going to use the other portion of the money to buy materials and pay a local beading lady to make Art for Africa key chains in bulk that we can sell as well. I think it’s a great idea because its benefiting us by helping us raise money to buy our land and its helping the community by creating a job opportunity that will be very lucrative for such a poor but talented woman. Anyway, I’ve been dreaming (literally) about this orphanage a lot lately and I’m very excited about the project!
So Tuesday morning I woke up expecting to go to work but I got a text message from Pastor Vusi telling me not to ride the bus today because its dangerous. There was a taxi strike going on (not like American taxis. They are like little minibuses that carry many people around. They are the main source of transportation here). Because the taxi drivers were on strike he didn’t want me taking the bus because he was afraid that the taxi drivers would stone and burn the busses (which was a very legitimate fear). So, to be safe, I stayed home that day. But then the next day he said it still wasn’t safe, so including my usual 3 day weekends (I don’t work on Fridays) I had 5 days off work last week. I only worked Thursday which brings me to the point of this blog entry.

Thursday I went to school without too high of expectations. It was the kids last day of school before a 2 week long break and I hadn’t worked with them in 5 days. When I arrived Ms. Maseti got all the kids together and sent them out to me for drama class. This was the best class yet! The kids were so excited that I was there. The teachers were all telling me that everyday the kids were asking “Where is Nonceba? When is she coming back to teach us our drama?” Of course they were saying all of this in Xhosa though. So when we got to our windy outdoor classroom covered in broken beer bottles and litter I asked the kids if they felt like doing something calm or doing something really active. Almost all of them enthusiastically responded that they wanted to be active. We started with the warm-up which they really love. We do a shake down then some stretches and physical exercises. Then we so some vocal warm ups then move into the drama work. I let a different student lead the shake down each day and they are finally becoming enthusiastic about it and volunteering instead of shy and hiding behind one another to ensure that I don’t choose them. Anyway, I had them do an exercise that I created based on some things I learned in college mixed with some kiddie improv games and some of my own personal technique. It requires a lot of risk taking and thinking on your toes. I expected it to be very difficult for them, especially because I’m really trying to ease off of the translator and have them understand and speak English confidently. Anyway, as the exercise was going on and I saw them putting their whole hearts into it I had a moment. They were running through an imaginary jungle of fire and I saw the look on one of the girls faces. It was absolutely believable. She was totally lost in her dramatic circumstance. This shy girl who still giggles and runs off in embarrassment every time I say hello to her because she can’t get over the fact that I’m actually from the real United States of America, was totally and completely submerged in the dramatic circumstance. I then looked around and realized that they all were. For the first time since I’ve started they had finally let go of caring what others think or being afraid to be wrong and they were ACTING! I mean they were really acting! And then without me even instructing them to do so they began to add song to the drama. It was beautiful! They were totally letting their guards down. At the moment I was so happy because that’s what its all about. Its about getting lost in the drama and letting go of all the hardships of life. There is so much trouble in their little lives and you can almost see the worry weighing on many of their shoulders. But not while they were acting! They were having fun. They were being kids. They were being artists and it was beautiful. I literally heard myself say out loud “this is amazing”, and goodness it was!
After class however, I saw my little star named Esethu (she is freakin BRILLIANT, amazing actress and she wrote a whole 2 paragraph essay in English the other day with almost all the words spelled perfectly) crying on her way out… well we she was already out because my classroom is outdoors… but on her way away from class. I stopped her to see what was wrong but she was so upset and speaking in Xhosa so I couldn’t understand her. So I had Natalie, my friend and translator, come over and figure out what the problem was. Apparently some of the big boys at the school bully her and threatened to beat her up again today on her way home. Even as small a she is, she walks home alone. So Natalie agreed to walk her home that day and Bandile and I left.
As I was leaving I kept thinking about how thankful I was to be able to take her mind off of the bullies and all the other burdens of her life for just a little while. I was remembering being in high school and having all these problems that at the time felt insurmountable, but then going to drama class and to YEA and escaping them. It always felt so good….
I am sad because now the kids have a 2 week break so no school for me the next two weeks. I was supposed to attend a workshop today and tomorrow but the taxis went on strike AGAIN so I was stuck home again today. But Pastor Vusi says that they are doing the workshop again next month so I’ll go then. Tomorrow, if the taxis don’t decide to strike and Pastor Vusi thinks its safe enough, I am going to go work in the orphanage. I am going to work there this week since there is no school. I am very nervous about it. As I explained in my previous blog, the orphanage makes me shaky and emotional and makes me feel sort of ill. But, I am going to go tomorrow and try to make the best of it. I’m just going to remember that what I am doing is helping a little even if its just chipping little pieces of ice off the iceberg.
In other news, I miss my sisters, especially Tiff. I wish I could be there with/for her right now. But hey, all in God’s timing. Also, everyone please pray for God to provide a means for me to attend the Be the Change course this year. It’s a week long course in Italy on social entrepreneurship and how to start your own non-profit organization. OH YEAH!! Did I already blog about how I am now officially a registered founder of Abantwana Benceba?! It is officially registered as an NPO and if you look at the constitution next to the word founder is Nonceba B. Richardson!!! A couple months ago I made a list of goals I wanted to accomplish within the next ten years. By the end of May I will be able to check FOUR things off: get back to South Africa by March 2010, raise $10,000 for Art for Africa, start my own non-profit organization, and see Italy. Now this is cause for celebration!
Anyway, I love you all dearly. Thank you for reading!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

whats ACTUALLY going on

So, I realize that my previous blogs have been very heavy with the going-ons of my mind and light with details about my South African adventure. I am going to blame that on two things: firstly I have not been journaling which I usually do a lot of so all my inner thought have been coming out in my blog, and secondly because this journey is as much about the inner experience as it about the outer. I can only expect to discover on this journey of self discovery.
So, I don’t even know where to start. As I said before there are SO MANY KIDS! My class is huge. Its so hard to teach a drama class of 54 kids. It’s not like math or something where they are all sitting in desks and you’re writing on a white board. My class is a totally interactive, high energy, kids running around all over the place proclaiming to be jello or ice, or fire, or honey or water or whatever other thing I decide to tell them to embody kind of environment. And it’s hard to keep that kind of environment under control when there are so many kids and only one me. I am thankful that Bandile and Natalie have been coming to help me each day but this kind of class is totally foreign to them so the best they can do is sit back and watch me work and to function as translators when need be.
The other big obstacle is space. The first day I used a classroom which was fine that day because we were just introducing ourselves so we were seated most of the time. But since then I have been holding my class outside in a space behind the school. This is cumbersome because the hot African sun is beating down on them and shining in their eyes as I make them rum back and forth across the space pretending to be animals but more than that my voice gets blown away with the wind a lot of the time. I have to scream so loudly for all the kids to be able to hear me. The seasons are changing so the wind in Cape Town is crazy right now. So my little voice regularly gets carried away with it as my army of almost 60 seventh graders wait eagerly to hear instructions on what to do next. I’m telling you, this is work! I’d give almost anything to have a classroom like we had at my high school and college to hold my class in... I’d almost give as much as I would for another teacher to take half the class or to be able to hold two separate sessions with 30 kids each.
All that being said and all things considered the class is going quite well. This past week I really just focused on getting them out of their shells because they are all so shy! It’s a cultural thing. These children definitely are not big bold loud American drama students ready to jump into the spotlight at any moment. They are shy and have to be pushed to stand outside of the crowd. So this week we did a lot of group games and fun physical activities to get them loose and having fun as well as to get them comfortable with each other and with me. They really had a great time! They are still pretty intimidated by me and quite embarrassed to speak English in front of their peers but by Tuesday and Wednesday they were really opening up and answering questions and volunteering to be a part of activities- even games like charades that requires one person to stand up and perform in front of the whole group! I was so proud of them. They were so eager and excited. They had come miles away from where they began on Monday. On Monday I made them each stand up and say “Hello, my name is ________, Today I feel _________, My greatest love is __________, and my greatest fear is__________.” You would have thought I asked them to jump off Table Mountain or something! They were terrified! But as the week went on the fear began to melt away and they really began to open up.
On Thursday I broke them up into 7 groups. I told each group to choose one topic that they wanted to make their skit on. I feel like it is way too early for me to let them start creating skits, but they are eager to do so and I’m trying to remember that this is not about me turning them into brilliant actors, its about allowing them to share their stories and to build their self confidence. So, I think from now on I am going to structure the class where we learn technique for the first half of the class and for the second half we work on our skits. So, after breaking them up into groups I went to each group and told them to think about this: if we could change one thing in the world what would it be. I told them to think about what goes on in their lives and what they’d like to change about it. I gave them a personal example. I said that if I had to do a skit about one thing I’d like to change, mine would be about love. I would make a skit about how love can cross all borders and boundaries. I gave them a few minutes to discuss among themselves and each group came up with a topic. The topics they came up with were: sexual abuse, gangsterism, drugs, domestic abuse, child abuse, prostitution and neglect… deep huh? After going around to each group and discussing their topics I was very shocked at how open they were, how willing to discuss these very private and deep issues with me, an outsider. But then I realized that to them these topics are not private. They are in their faces everyday and have become a regular part of everyday life. So, I pushed back my initial instinct to get teary and emotional and decided to take action which is what I’m here to do. That’s when I decided to move along with the skits even thought they haven’t gotten much technical training in acting yet. They have so much to say, so for one I am going to let them say it. And who knows? Maybe these skits will help change the world, and if not at least it may help change their community or help change someone’s mind.
I haven’t been back to the orphanages this week because my schedule at the school keeps changing and I’m just getting used to using the bus system. But, Monday is a public holiday so there is no school so I am going to go the orphanages and work for a few hours. Also, after next week the kids are out of school for 2 weeks for their Easter break so during those 2 weeks I’ll be at the orphanages instead of at the schools. To be quite honest, I feel wary of working at the orphanages. It’s not the same as working at the schools. This is going to sound awful, but honestly its like at the school I leave feeling good because I am doing something about the things going on with these kids. I am equipping them with vital tools that they can use to further themselves in life and help them to become more successful. But, when I think about the orphanages I just get so overwhelmed with emotion and feel wary of going because it’s like these kids have absolutely no stimulation. The resources just aren’t available. They sit around all day long waiting for their turn to be fed or changed. There are no nursery rhymes or toys or activity. Its just sickness everywhere… I feel like there isn’t really much I can do about it- except that there is. I have a vision. Pastor Vusi and I are going to open up our own orphanage. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like THAT is doing something progressive for these kids, more than just feeding them or changing their diaper (which don’t get me wrong is absolutely important which is why I’ve volunteered to do it). But, my vision for our orphanage is less like a hospice and more like a vibrant learning center where HIV positive orphans don’t wait to die, but actively live and learn. I’d like for there to be a day care center downstairs with colors and toys and all sorts of stimulating activities for the little ones. There will be a receptionist at the front with all the kids’ medical files and birth certificates which are important because in this country if you have those documents and are HIV positive you get a grant every month. So all the children will receive their grant money and I will be able to afford to buy them good healthy food to help them live longer healthier lives. Also, ARVs are free in this country. So, there will be a little nurse’s office that distributes medication to each child before they head off to school. My main goal for this orphanage is for the focus to be on living instead of dying. After talking with Pastor Vusi about my vision, he is totally on board with it. We have already identified the land we want to buy to build it on and are in the process of securing funds. Remember when I said coming to volunteer in Africa after spending $30,000 on a college degree was the craziest thing I’ve ever done? Well, I take that back. Embarking on a mission such as building an orphanage in Africa when I have no experience or the slightest bit of understanding on where to even start is the craziest thing I’ve ever done. But the vision has not left me since I first saw it while at Prisilla’s orphanage and I know better than to ignore dreams the universe is so blatantly laying before me. So, I’m still praying about it and trying to see how we can possibly make this happen, but I believe in it! And I’m very excited to see it come to pass!
Speaking of my orphanage, here in South Africa names are very important. You are supposed to live up to your name and as you go through life you are given different names for different reasons such as when you get married etc. Anyways, my friend Natalie was explaining all of this to me the other day because I have been given a name here. She had noticed that I wasn’t really using the name that they had given me so she was explaining to me the significance of being given a name. She said it is the ultimate gesture of welcome and something that I should be very proud of. The name that Natalie and the whole Funda family (Pastor Vusi’s family) gave me is Nonceba. It is a Xhosa name which means “grace” or “good deeds” so they found the name fitting for me. It is a little hard to pronounce because the “c” is pronounced by putting your tongue at the back of your upper front teeth and making a sucking sound… yeah, its hard to describe, but anyways… this all has to do with the orphanage because the name of the orphanage is going to be “Abantwana Benceba” which broken down is “Children of Nonceba” or “Children of Grace”. They are naming the orphanage after me  It is such a sweet and humbling gesture and I love the double meaning in the name.
Besides that things are good. I have a four day weekend this weekend which is cool. Mpho and I are going to Kirstenbosh gardens on Monday which is exciting. We wanna go before the weather gets cold. These gardens are beautiful! I am very excited.
Things at the house are going well. I have really been bonding well with my housemates particularly Levante and John. AND….. a girl moved in today! She’ll only be here for 2 weeks but it’s still very exciting. I really get along well with Hazel (the owner) too so I really like my living situation. I really don’t want to move. I should because Pastor Vusi has found a family that is willing to let me stay with them for only one third of what I pay to live here. But, the family lives in the township so its not nearly as safe as where I live now so I wouldn’t be able to walk places alone and stuff. Also I will loose the luxury of living with people that speak English as well as the comfort of knowing I’m not being targeted. I live in an area with lots of travelers so its not like I’m being singled out. But living in the township, that would be a constant worry and a constant fear. I don’t want to have to live in fear. But, I also have to be able to pay my rent so we’ll what happens. Hey, I do have $10,000 coming my way so I shouldn’t even be worried about rent  I budgeted for living and travel expenses in the budget for the proposal!
Okay, I’m tired now so I am going to rest. Tomorrow is Sunday so I gotta get up for church and all. Love you all! Thanks for reading! xo

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all a matter of things shall be well"

3/20/2010
It is amazing to me how there are billions of people in this world but somehow God has time and cares enough to recognize me, and not only recognize me, but work in my favor. Last week I had a conversation with Pastor Vusi and a visiting American pastor from Florida that resulted in me posting a blog about God answering prayers, or moreover God not answering prayers. The topic had been on my mind a lot in the past weeks, but I’d been too ashamed and afraid to open my mouth and speak about it. But, when I finally did release my questions about God and prayer out into the universe I got more clear and immediate answers than I ever have from any prayer I’ve ever prayed. It’s like the energy I put into my thoughts about it and my conversation about it and my blog about it was offered up to the Universe and in return was given back to me in the form of answers. Or simply put, God heard my cry and He responded.
My answer came in many forms- from emails of scriptural explanations and insight from my Aunt/Godmother/spiritual mentor/great friend Angela, to very vivid dreams, to its actual manifestation in my life over the past few days. I have come to a solid and unmovable understanding that God always, ALWAYS answers prayers… the answer just may not be what we were hoping for. God is not a wishing well. We cannot go to him and ask for whatever we’d like and expect for it to magically appear no questions asked. And actually the fact that this is so is a blessing because judging by our history if humans always got exactly what they asked for this world would be an ugly place. Instead we are encouraged to offer up our prayers and desires to God and yes, expect an answer, but that answer will sometimes be no. I now understand that God answers our prayers according to what is best for us and according to his divine plan. Also the spirit whispered a little phrase to me in my sleep the other night: “divine timing”, and to make things more clear He gave me a living breathing example in my own life:
Yesterday I received an email from the Ella Lyman Cabot Trust that began by saying “Dear Ms. Richardson, We are interested in you and your proposal and would be happy to submit your grant request for consideration by the Board of Trustees at the May 15th meeting”. I was reading this email at an internet cafĂ©, but luckily I was in an isolated cubicle where no one could see my expression or the tears running down m my face. You see I applied for a $10,000 grant from the Ella Lyman Cabot Trust. This is the first and only grant I have ever applied for so I have absolutely no experience in grant writing. I spent weeks and weeks researching trying to find grants that support the kind of work I am doing but it was very difficult because of two main things: I am an individual not an organization of any kind, and this is an international project. People are wary of giving large amounts of money to 23 year old bartending actresses with big dreams especially when the money will be used in a different country, and understandably so! But when my friend Natalie emailed me information on the Ella Lyman Cabot Trust and I read the description of the type of people they support I thought “this is mine!” Literally, as soon as I read it I was so sure that this belonged to me. I worked very hard and came up with a Letter of Intent that I felt really good about, mailed it off, and waited. According to the website we were to be notified either way by February. I heard nothing until yesterday March 19th when I got an email telling me that I am that much closer to receiving the grant. I am writing about this to share the goo news, but more importantly to share how that little whisper “divine timing” was the best answer God could have given me. You see, in my previous blog I talk about how I’ve been praying for God to eradicate poverty here in South Africa as well as throughout the world. Although I did not wake up yesterday to a poverty free world, I did wake up to a little reminder that all things that are of God happen according to his divine timing, not ours, or even the information on the Ella Lyman Cabot Trust website.
A few months ago I fasted and prayed for 3 days in hopes of raising $10,000 at a fundraiser I was having that Friday evening. That night I did not raise that $10,000 I was praying for nor did I raise it at any other fundraiser I had. I left the country with exactly $2,000 and a whole lotta faith. Now, in God’s divine timing I receive an email about a grant that I applied for from which I requested none other than… $10,000. I believe with my entire being that I am going to receive this grant; not because I deserve it or because my Letter of Intent was really good, but because it is a part of God’s divine plan and its all coming together in His divine timing. God would not call me to come all the way here and then not provide for me and make a way for me to do His work. He just wouldn’t do that, and I’ve always known that which is why even though I didn’t have enough money to support myself when I left I came anyway, because I knew He would make a way. I just didn’t know what that way was.
Please pray for me everyone. All the papers are due to the Trust on April 12th. I have to send in a revised letter of intent, 3 support letters from people who know me well and support my project and my integrity, and a short application. All shall be well, and all shall be well and all a matter of things shall be well…

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

3/15/10

There is so much going on that writing about it all seems very intimidating, but I’ve got to document this all some time. First of all, hello loved ones. I’ve learned after traveling abroad so many times that there is a pattern that happens within your loved ones in your absence. At first, everyone is so desperate to contact you and nervous about your well being. But after about three weeks everyone seems to calm down and trust that you are doing just fine. Then after a few more weeks pass everyone just wants to know how things are going and what you are doing because they are curious. But once you pass the two month mark you being abroad is just part of life and everyone accepts it and the nervous emails and emails in general cease. Luckily, I have skated through the first few stages this time around and it seems as if everyone is comfortable with me being here and not freaking out which is great. Because really, I am absolutely fine. In fact, I feel more alive and useful and active here than I ever do at home. It’s like this is my real life and I just take extended vacations to the States on a regular basis.
So, I have officially been here for one week as of yesterday. I can’t believe that. It feels like I’ve been here for much longer. I’m living in a house in Observatory which is very close to Mowbray (the suburb I lived in during 2008). I’m very familiar with area so I feel very comfortable. I’m living in a guest house owned by a woman named Hazel. I only ended up staying at that other place for one night before moving into my room here. The house can hold up to about 12 people but there are only 6 of us at the time. Hazel lives in a little house behind the guest house, so not counting her I am the only female. There are all guys in the house plus me…. That’s definitely a new experience. I’m getting along well with all the guys. There is a Turkish guy named Levante who is really nice. He’s lived here the longest- about 3 or 4 months. He’s actually illegal right now, but works under the table at a bar down the road. There’s also a guy named Mark who’s a doctor from Sweden and a guy named John who is from some country in Central Africa that he care not name because he is very deep and feels that the phrase “I am from this country” or “I am from that country” is irrelevant because we are all “from the world”. Naming a specific country when asked where you are from, according to him, is very stifling. I like John a lot. He’s very long winded when he speaks which of course to me, coming from a country where actual human contact and intimate conversation and connection is very rare can be a bit frustrating, but I realize that it’s because of a flaw in me and has nothing to do with him. John lived in the wild for two years before coming to this house. He lives in a tent in the back of our house. He has very little material belongings and believes in spending life searching and growing spiritually and intellectually. He keeps life as simple as possible and really values time to sit and think about humanity and to meditate… his father passed away this weekend which is probably why he’s on my mind so much and I am taking up this much of my blog talking about him. But ever since his father passed whenever I see John he goes into a deep conversation that lasts at least half an hour or so, even if I just came out of my room to pee or something. So, before I started blogging I was in the kitchen listening to him talk and all I could think about was how he kept going on and on. It made me sad because its like because of my life style at home I am incapable of sitting for an hour and listening to a hurting grieving man talk some of his pain away without itching to get up and go… and go… and go do nothing. That’s the thing, I’m not even rushing to do anything. I just haven’t exercised my humanity muscle in so long. Usually during conversation (when it actually does happen at home) someone always receives a text or the TV is on in the background or just anything to interrupt the pure human connection. That’s not the way it is in my house or my life right now for that matter. My life is all about pure uninterrupted human to human connection and its uncomfortable. Even while riding home today, my friend Natalie talked for the entire 30 minute ride non-stop lol. I’m thinking “Oh my gosh! She’s never going to stop”, but then I realized its because in their culture you actually care about how people are doing and how they are feeling. So when I ask her how she’s doing today it takes an entire 30 minute taxi ride to tell me, and when she asks me she expects the same in return. So, for the past few days there have been many situations where I feel like a robot thrown into a sea of living people and I’m just trying to get my humanity back. I’m trying to be able to sit in the kitchen for an hour and listen to a pained man grieve over his dead father without my mind wandering off and trying to find the least awkward time for me to leap for the door. I know that makes me out to be insensitive and selfish, but you know, that probably means that I am, which is exactly why I’m working on it. I hate admitting that it exists almost as much as I hate the fact that it exists. But, thank God, we have the ability to change the things that we don’t like about ourselves and that’s exactly what I’m working on doing.
Coming to South Africa is always a very spiritual experience for me. I always feel closer to God here than I ever do at home and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am isolated here. I mean, yes I’m around people all the time, but I don’t have my safety blanket of family and best friends like I do at home. I have Mpho, but even when I am with her she is always challenging me spiritually (I mean ‘challenging’ in a good way) and causing me to look deeper inside myself. The work that I am doing here also causes me to grow spiritually because it causes me to ask a lot of questions and face a lot of realities in the world such as no matter how hard I pray for the children in the orphanage to have clean water and proper food to eat everyday, they may not get it. No matter how hard I pray and ask our great big all encompassing God to please heal this country and not let another child go hungry or die from a preventable disease He just may not answer and that’s hard for me to accept. Being in the township among such deep poverty every single day makes me question God. Not His existence, but the way He works. Like, my entire childhood and into my adult life I’ve heard that phrase over and over “God answers prayers”. I’ve even said it myself. But, what about when He doesn’t? What about when good people live good Godly lives and pray for their entire lifetimes for God to provide for them and get them out of these slums, but they die hungry and sick in their shacks? What about them? What about all the prayers our generation and the generation before and before and before have prayed over these children dying motherless and fatherless from AIDS because they have no money to pay for transportation to the hospitals to get medicine? What do you do when God doesn’t answer prayers? What do you say to children when you try to teach them about Jesus but they’ve seen their parents pray to a Jesus that never showed up? Family, I know you are reading this and cringing and I’m very sorry, but I’m just being honest. What do you do then? Well, I’ve come to an understanding that that’s just another one of those things that I cant agree with the bible 100% on. If you ask, even if you are a poor mother asking God for money to feed your children, you will not always receive. God answers prayers sometimes. Impoverished people are reaping the consequences of a lot of man made evil and for some reason God has chosen to allow them to reap it. Poverty, hunger, disease, those things are not of God. I don’t know why He will not stop it and I don’t know why I continue to pray for it to be eradicated when I know if a prayer was all it took poverty would have been gone centuries ago, but for some reason I keep praying, I keep believing. And that’s why I say this experience has made me grow spiritually- because even in all that I do not understand about God and amidst all the unanswered questions and prayers I still know that He is real. I still feel something deep inside me that won’t let me loose the faith.
I visited both of the schools for the first time today. This is going to be so much hard work. What I’m most nervous about is the fact that I have no curriculum. I have to create this whole program on my own… well not really on my own because I plan to just allow the spirit to guide me and remember that I am only a vessel. I must remember that. I can’t get caught up in trying to do God’s work; I must let him work through me. That’s the only way that this will be a success. I was under the impression that I was only going to be working at one school, a primary school. But Pastor Vusi has also arranged for me to work at Mandela High School. So, from Monday to Thursday every week I will be teaching a ‘Life Skills Through Theatre’ course at two different schools in the township of Crossroads. The primary school program will be a lot like YEA workshop. The high school program will be geared toward putting together a big performance at the end of their term focused on what it’s like to be an HIV positive teen in a high school in South Africa today. We have chosen that topic because lots of the students that will be involved in the piece are positive and very sick which poses many challenges in school.
I didn’t know that so many children would be interested in the programs, but we got an overwhelming response. I am not sure how I am going to teach a drama class of 60 kids alone. Luckily I have two people coming tomorrow to help me translate and keep discipline. I’m hoping they continue to come help me everyday… All the school teachers were asking who is paying me for doing this and how much I am getting paid. Everyone is always so shocked when I tell them that I’m doing this for free. But it’s just something that I have to do. It’s not about money. It’s about making a difference in a child’s life. I feel so strongly that I have to give back, and until I can find someone to pay me to do it I’ll just do it for free. If I go through like sacrificing brightening children’s futures for pay checks I know that I will never be happy (family, I’m sorry I know that you are cringing again). But I really believe that one day this is all going to come back to me and I will actually have a paid career doing this and it will all be worth it. Someone once said to me, “Do the thing you love to do then find a way to get paid for it”. That’s exactly what I’m doing now and in the meantime I am being so blessed. It’s so funny how whenever you go volunteer to help people you end up being helped just as much. I am gaining from this country and these children just as much if not more than they are gaining from me. I am really living and growing and interacting and it feels amazing! That is all such a huge blessing. If you asked me where I’d be 10 years from now 10 years ago I never would have thought this would be my life, but this is my life, and I’d have it no other way.

Orphanages

3/11/2010

Today was a crazy day. I’ve been up since God knows when because I still haven’t adjusted to the time difference. It eleven at night, I just got home, and I am absolutely exhausted and ready to pass out. But before I can allow myself to do that I had to write because today I had some experiences that I have to reflect on, even if it is very brief. Pastor Vusi, Bandile and I went to a workshop headed by some American church people from Florida today, and afterward we stopped to visit two of the places I will be working at starting next week. The first one was an orphanage for children with disabilities. We didn’t really get to tour because the owner wasn’t there and we have a tour planned for next week, but we did get to stop in and visit. The visual was, for lack of a less harsh word and lack of the desire to use one, sickening. We walked in to a small room sweltering with heat and overcome with flies. Ugh, they were everywhere. There were 2 adults in the room and, if I remember correctly, 16 children- each with a missing limb or some other disability. None were able to feed themselves or walk around normally, and it was lunchtime. So each adult- might I emphasize that these workers are volunteers and do not get paid for their work- had a child across their lap that they were feeding. One was eating the food that was being fed to him. The other’s body was completely limp and her face was distorted. It looked as if her mouth and other facial features were melting off. Each time the woman would put a spoon of the strange orange lumpy mixture into her mouth it would just drip out of the corners and onto a turquoise towel that was laid on the floor. The rest of the children who were not yet being fed were all laying on the floor, some in odd positions that they were physically incapable of getting out of, allowing the snot to run freely from their noses until either their upper lip or a their hand that ran tardily across their little cheek stopped it.

Just Arriving

I just arrived at my house. I am sitting in my little room on my bed typing this blog in Microsoft Word because there is no internet access in this house. I can’t really describe the way I’m feeling right now because everything just seemed to happen so fast. One minute I was at my grandpa’s house surrounded by my family and eating barbeque, now all of a sudden I am in Africa, all alone, sitting on a bed in a strange room that quite possibly may be my home for the next 3 weeks. It is scorching in here. I totally forgot about the part where there is no heat or air conditioner in this country. In the living room there are two people from a country I can not pin point speaking a language I do not recognize. I tried making small talk with them but all I got was that they’ve been here for ten days and will probably be here for about ten more. They aren’t very friendly, definitely not South African. We didn’t even get to the name portion of the conversation before the awkwardness became so thick in the room that I almost choked, so I decided to come back to the comfort of my cozy little room. There is another girl here too but she is sleeping. I only saw her coming out of the bathroom when I was coming into the house. Because I don’t have my American luxuries such as my cell phone or clock I have no idea what time it actually is. But, I think its around 12am. My flight got in at 10pm so that seems about right… I’m itching so bad already. I have the window open to let in a little breeze. My friend Kate says tomorrow is going to be even hotter… I need to invest in a fan.
The journey from the states was actually pretty smooth. The 15 hour flight to Jo’burg didn’t seem so long. It felt like maybe 8 hours. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to get a business class seat- it would have been nice, but I am just grateful that I had a seat at all. However, for some reason I was the most uncomfortable on this flight than I’ve ever been. No matter what I did I just could not get comfortable. Neither could the two girls beside me though so we kind of made a joke of it. Eventually we made it to Jo’burg and I had 3 hours to catch my next flight which was to Cape Town. I was really nervous about arriving in Cape Town because I didn’t know if Pastor Vusi would be there to pick me up. But, he was right there waiting with a big hug and even bigger smile when I came through those glass doors. I immediately felt a huge sense of ease.
I wish I could describe how different the air is here. As soon as I walked off the plane the air hit me and I began to smile. (Here you walk straight off the plane into the outside not into a tunnel that connects to the airport. You have to walk into the airport after getting off the plane.) The air is heavier and you can feel that you are near the ocean because of its quality. It’s not humid- that’s definitely not the word for it. It’s more like little particles of the ocean linger in the air as to always remind you by its texture and smell that you are in the unique and beautiful city of Cape Town. That’s what I was greeted by as I walked off the plane and it was so familiar and comfortable. The feeling that I got upon my arrival this time was much different than the other times. It didn’t feel like the excitement of being on holiday in a place that I love, it felt like the comfort of being somewhere so familiar after working my butt off to get here for so long. I knew exactly where I was going. I recognized my environment completely and I found myself giving others direction and suggestions of things to do while they are here.
Pastor Vusi bought two people to the airport with me. One person I knew and the other I did not. The girl’s name was Kate and this was my first time meeting her, but we definitely hit it off and I’m very excited to get to know her better and build a friendship. Of course she questioned me about America and how she could get there almost the entire car ride lol. The other person he bought was a guy whom I have met several times but I still cannot remember his name. It is something that is quite hard to pronounce.
Back to the housing situation- this is what happened: I am supposed to be staying at a house that belongs to a woman named Hazel, but she said my room wouldn’t be available until April 1st. So, she made arrangements for me to stay in a house right down the road from her for this month. But, when I was at the Jo’burg airport I got an email from her saying that my room is now available immediately and that I could come directly there. But, I chose to just come to this house because I knew they were expecting me. I am supposed to go meet with her tomorrow morning so we will sort everything out and I will know whether or not I’m staying here or going there. I will probably end up staying here though because I already paid a portion of my monthly charge.
It’s weird because I am tired, but at the same time I’m too uneasy to sleep. I am anxious for tomorrow so that I can sort out my living situation and start to unpack and stuff. Im also going to buy a little prepaid cell phone so that I can keep in touch with Pastor Vusi and the rest of South Africa more easily. Like any true American I am so excited and ready to get to work at the school immediately. And like any true African Pator Vusi told me that this week I need to rest and visit and have tea and get accommodated to my new environment. He and some other people are going to come visit around 12 noon tomorrow, which in African time will probably end up being around 3. I’m sure we will have tea and maybe even a meal together too. I do not want to go grocery shopping until I know for sure that this is where I’ll be staying. I’m sure that tomorrow will be filled with lots of tea drinking and greetings in various languages. From Hazel, to Lee, to Pastor Vusi, to my beloved Mpho I have so much tea drinking to do lol. But, you know that’s one of my favorite things about this culture- the time and value placed on people coming together, having tea and conversing. Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day.
I guess the best way to describe my feeling right now is a deer in headlights. I am just in shock that this is all happening. I know what it feels like! You know when you first get the keys to your very own apartment after moving away from your parents and everyone helps you get all moved in and then that night you hug them and kiss them good bye then shut the door, walk over to a box in the least cluttered area of the tiny apartment, look around, hear the complete silence, and realize ‘Oh my God… this is where I live’. That’s how I feel except multiplied by one million. Instead of walking from the door to the box I flew across the Atlantic. And instead of moving to a tiny apartment alone I moved to the African continent, but you get my drift. Anyway, even since sitting here typing this I feel a lot better. The shock is kind of dissipating, the breeze coming through the window is a little cooler so its not as hot, and I can feel a sense of peace settling within me. I think I will be able to fall asleep after all. I’m going to read a little more of my book first though.
So I guess the point of this blog entry is: I’m here safe and sound. And, I didn’t realize this until I got to the airport, but this is the craziest thing I have ever done. I can’t wait to see where this journey is going to lead me.

Also, I feel kind of weird about leaving the window open even thought we have an electric gate around the house and there are bars on the window, but I just cant survive this heat without at least a little breeze.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Ultimate Goal is Love

Wow, I haven't written since 2008. That sounds like so much longer than it feels... if that makes sense. I didn't blog the entire time I was in South Africa in 2009 because my internet access was pretty much nonexistent, which is a shame because that trip was absolutely life changing.

So! What brings me back to blogging after so long?? Well, as you probably already know I am returning to South Africa for the adventure of a lifetime in just a few days... 3 to be exact. In the midst of packing and making all the preparations for my trip I realize that I am going through a major shift in so many aspects of my life. I can especially feel it in my spirit. Just the mere preparation for this trip has been a long journey and a major growing experience. I have never felt like such a failure and such a success at the same time. I've never felt so close to truth, but still felt like such a liar. I've never been so sure about something while not believing it at all. All of my "stuff" my issues, my challenges, my rusty points came to a head during this last 6 months on fundraising and preparing to spend an extended period of time half half way across the world alone. Spiritually this has been a very strengthening experience. Like, I feel very close to God. But at the same time it has brought up so many questions.
I set out on this quest because I believe God ordained it for me. I believe that this is just the beginning of the master plan He has set out for my life. As exciting as that is, it was also a very scary realization because there were so many times I wanted to give up, but every time I would think about the kids and think about how much bigger this all is than me I would realize how selfish I was being and keep pressing on. Now let me be frank, things definitely did not turn out the way I expected and that was REALLY hard for me to digest. You see, i never actually heard a voice speak to me or anything, but... One day during the Simon's Branch Missions trip to South Africa in 2009 I was doing drama work with the children outside of a school building. They were all in a circle around me and I was in the middle giving instructions. Then there was a moment, like a brief moment where time seemed to sort of slow down and I heard a whisper coming from my Inner Self, the Holy Spirit, God or whatever term you prefer that said "this is what you are supposed to be doing". In that moment I felt very alive and very safe. It was almost surreal. And that when I realized that I would definitely be coming back to work with these children. I immediately made a promise to myself that I would follow my heart and no matter what happened when I got back to the states I would stick to this commitment. As I thought more and more about it and began to really pray and seek guidance from God I realized that there was no way I could make this happen on my own, so I decided right then and there to totally and completely put this all in God's hands. I have NEVER done that with ANYTHING. I am a total control freak and have major issues with trust so even though throughout my life I would say that I was putting something in God's hands that just meant I was half praying about it and half depending on my own human ability to get the thing done. This time was different though. No the hard thing is that I didnt get a lot of the things that I was believing God for, but I believe that it will come according to His time, not mine, and according to His will.
I'm going to be very honest and admit how hard it is to use certain words and phrases in this blog in fear of being misunderstood. For example words such as "God" and "His" and "His will". Anyone who knows me knows how deep of a personal relationship I have with God but my beliefs are quite different than most of my family and friends. I choose to use the word "God" when speaking of The Divine because its what i'm used to and what i'm comfortable with. However, number one, I believe that all other names for The Divine are just as appropriate and worthy of respect. Number two, I do not believe God to be a far out there man-spirit-thing who lives way up in the sky, sits on a throne, and makes rules that you must follow or else you will die the end. I believe that God is a divine manifestation of love that lives inside and all around us and that we all have access to him if we just take the time to listen. I believe God gave us rules not because He's a big mean angry man who likes to punish us, but because He loves us and wants to spare us some of the pain we will encounter if we do not follow His commandments. Most importantly fin my opinion God is love. He lives right inside of us and we dont have to reach outside of ourselves into the heavens to find Him. His spirit lives in us and will guide us and comfort us if we are just quite enough to listen to it. Sidenote: I us the pronoun "He" because its what Im used to and it doesnt make me uncomfortable. However I have no objections to people using other pronouns when referring to God.
WOW! Talk about going off on a tangent! I have no idea where that all came from lol. But it really relates to this trip because although I am going primarily to do drama work with the children, I also want to share my light and love that I have experienced through my personal relationship with God with them. I want them to be able to come to know and love God in a healthy and positive way. I'm not saying i am going to force them to all listen to me rant about religion or anything, but given the chance I would like to pass my light on to them as well.
So, moving on... I have just started packing today. I am about half way done. I know I am wayyyyy over packing but its hard to know what to bring. Im going to be living in the city but working in the township so I feel like I need to bring appropriate clothes for both. Also, I will be there for a year so I feel the need to pack for all the seasons too. I dunno, im hoping that I can just fit everything into one big suitcase because this is definitely not a fashion show, its a missions trip. This time is so scary because I have no idea what its going to be like. I literally have absolutely no idea what to expect. I'm so afraid that im going to get there and be completely bored and frustrated because everything is unorganized and I feel like im wasting my time and had too high hopes. But im praying that that wont happen lol. Hopefully thats just my cold feet talking. I'm hoping that I that I am able to create a great program for these kids and really help them aim for brighter futures. And if nothing else I hope to be to them what Freddie was to us: someone who is a reminder that they are loved, beautiful, talented, and just bombs of greatness ready to explode. I hope to make this kids smile. I hope that during the short time that I am with them each day I can get their minds off of the sickness and poverty that dominates their lives and give them the opportunity to create something that makes them feel good about themselves.
My ultimate goal: love. For the next year (or however long i am there) I plan to love as completely, as unconditionally, and as fully as I possibly can. Not only the children although they come first, but also myself and everyone I meet. I plan to exercise truth to the best of my ability. I plan on asking for exactly what I want in all situations without letting fear get in the way. I plan on honoring my feelings at all times and nurturing my True Self so that I can grow into all that God has for me to be.
Yes, I am scared, but im also very at peace. I know that no matter what everything will be okay and this experience is one huge lesson that I cannot miss out on learning.
I am also extremely excited!! I'm so ready for a fresh start. I'm so ready to be doing good in the world again and to be around children everyday. And of course i'm ecstatic about being in my favorite place in the world again!! I CAN NOT WAIT to be back in Cape Town. I am so freakin in love with that place and all it represents for me. And of course even thought of getting to see Mpho again brings tears to my eyes.
I have so much more to say, but im being distracted right now so I'm going to go and write more tomorrow. Thank you for reading.
Love and Light,
-me