When God Says No

I know, I know. This is a fine time for me to blog after not blogging during some of the most important parts of my time in Cape Town. I'm sorry. I really have no excuse for my lack of communication. I guess the more comfortable I got living in Cape Town the less I felt motivated to document what was going on. I apologize. I will do better next time.
I am now in America sitting at my grandfather's house. I was crying out to God about my life and as I was about to get my journal and write I decided that maybe I should put all this on my blog instead so everyone can kind of know whats going on in my life and my heart. So more than a blog entry I guess this is like a journal entry that I am blogging... or something...
Art for Africa was a huge success, glory to God! It was probably the most fun and fulfilling experience of my entire life. The day of the final performance I was in absolute awe as it was everything I had seen in the vision God gave me. It was such a beautiful experience. I still cant believe that I was actually blessed with the opportunity to experience it. I would love to do something like that more permenantly. Like, establish a program like that which could be sustainable because the impact it made on the kids and especially on me was huge and incredible!
The performance was at 5pm on November 15th. After the last line was said and all the bows were taken "Art for Africa" was officially over. It was very wierd for me because my whole life was dedicated to make Art for Africa become a reality for so long. I wanted it so badly and was determined to make it happen, so once it was happening I was in heaven. But, I never thought about what was going to happen after it was over. I just never thought that far ahead. I was actually quite shockingly sad when it finished. I had to go through a little grieving period. "Art for Africa" was such a huge part of my life my life even before it happened. I was preparing for it and dreaming about it for a very long time. It was what I did and what I talked about, then it was over and I had no idea what I was going to do next.
So to make a long story short I had to leave South Africa two months after the project was over because I ran out of money. During my two month vacation of sorts I began job hunting because having a paying job after living in another country for a whole year and working for free is essential! So, after going over all of the facts I decided that the best thing for me to do was to take a teaching job in South Korea. The pay is great. I would not only be able to get back on my feet, but I would also be able able to pay off a big chunk of my student loans if I worked there for a year. It seemed like the perfect opportunity especially since working in Atlanta was basically not an option since I have no car or money to buy one and therefore no way to get back and forth to work. So I figured that working in South Korea would be great financially, fit perfectly into my situation, be really fun, and on top of everything I would get to travel! So I took the job, but all along I had a bit of an uneasy feeling about it, like I just didnt want to go and didnt feel like I was going. For the past couple months I have been preparing for Korea and waiting for all my paperwork for my visa, but 2 weeks ago I really began to feel God tugging on my heart. He knows my heart and he knows that my heart is not in Korea. I was going for all the wrong reasons and hadn't waited for him to tell me weather or not to go, I just made the decision for myself and began making preperations. In the beginning my rationale for not following my heart was that this was something I had to do because of circumstance. It was a sacrifice I had to make because I hadn't made any money last year and because I have student loans to pay. But when God confronted me about it, there was no hiding for me. After a lot of prayer and just seeking God about it, it became resoundingly clear to me that it was not God's will for me to go to South Korea and going would actually just be an act of blatant disobedience and me going back to my control freak,desperate way of living-trying to do everything on my own instead of surrending the path of my life to Yaweh. So about three days ago I made the decision to obey God in this matter and not go to South Korea. It is very scary for me and I am having a really hard time with it. The day after I made the decision all of these doors started opening up for me in South Africa, and it made me very angry and confused. I dont understand why God would even allow these wonderful opportunities to come my way when I absolutely can not afford them. I know that His timing is perfect, but my flesh is screaming "GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I CANNOT AFFORD TO DO ANOTHER PROJECT IN AFRICA RIGHT NOW! I NEED MONEY! I NEED A REAL JOB!" I know its kind of silly for me to yell these things at God who created the universe and time and me and everything else, but I cant help it. After last year I just dont have the faith to believe that I can raise another $10,000 to do another project on Cape Town after having raised all the money I raised last year. I have sucked all of my resources dry when it comes to fundraising.I would much rather just work a job and save money myself and then go back to Africa next year. That way I wouldn't have to ask for donations or spend so many months searching for grants. However, all of that being said I love God more than myself, so I am willing to obey Him and do whatever He tells me to do weather it makes sense to me or not.
So now that I am not going to Korea I am praying about whats next for me. In the meantime I am searching for a job. I would love to be an international flight attendant so that I could travel and see the world, but also be able to fly to Africa for free whenever I want and do short term missions there. I also would also really like to get back into theatre. I've been missing acting lately. So I guess we will see what God says. Please everyone if you have a moment just say a prayer for me. I really want to obey God. That is what I want most. So please just pray that He give me direction and give me grace to follow Him. Also, if it is his will please pray that he open a door for employment for me or provide finances for my next project in South Africa and give me faith to believe it can happen again.
Love and light,
Britt :)