My classroom is hot and the lessons are long. Who signed me
up for this? I've never liked school, and every time my teacher turns her back
I sneakily check my facebook on my fancy iphone a missionary here blessed me
with. Why, Daddy God? Why am I sitting in this hot classroom struggling
to get the simplest Swahili sentence out? I'm so frustrated I could cry. I
sound like a two year old. I'm embarrassed. I don't want to do this.
I can't speak this language. It's too hard. Do I have to? I'm supposed to
be changing the world. I'm supposed to be rescuing sex slaves, feeding
thousands, adopting abandoned children, being a world famous actress doing
plays all over the world. Why, God? Why am I in this classroom?
"Daughter, you can get up right now and leave and I
would still be proud of you. You can go and change the world, honey. You can go
feed thousands. I'll bless you. I'd be so pleased with you, still. You could
even go do plays, make music. You could go into every bar, every dirty hotel in
this village and find little girls to rescue. I'd be so pleased. It's up to you
my love, what do you want?"
"Daddy.... I want you. I want to be with you."
"Brittanie, well, I am here. I am right here in this
classroom."
I got a huge shock when I arrived back from America. While I
was away I made so many plans. I was going to start so many projects. I was
going to reach so many people. I was going to do so many
things when I got back. But after being home for about three days the Lord
spoke to me. He spoke to me so simply and so sweetly. He just said,
"stop". He said, "stop and be with me". This was so
confusing because since I arrived in Kenya my most intimate times with Jesus
have been as I was doing ministry. I encountered him in villages when I was
feeding people or in night clubs when I was loving on prostitutes and
strippers. I saw Him there. I experienced His
love there. And it felt good. It felt really good. It felt so good in fact that
I forgot the first lesson God ever taught me. I forgot about the simplicity of
His love. I busied myself so much with trying to go out and love others that I
never had anytime to just sit and let my Jesus love me. At some point I stopped
thinking it was important....
But over the past few weeks God has reminded me. He
basically told me to lay everything else, all the other projects and dreams of
my heart, down before Him for a season and focus on two things. Being a
daughter and being a mother. I ignored Him when He first said it. I had too
many big plans. Too many amazing ideas. But, He said it again and again and
again. So gently, so sweetly. Like a lover inviting me into intimacy with him.
So, like I always do when He speaks to me like that, I said yes.What does
"yes" look like right now? It looks like sitting in a classroom and
learning to speak Swahili.
After returning from the States I realize that this whole
motherhood thing is not just a cute little thing that i'm going to do for a few
years. It's not just some missionary project that I'll do until I get over it.
I have six children. I am a mother of six children. Six children here in Mtwapa
believe deep down in their hearts that I am their mother. They crawl into my
bed in the mornings when they wake up just to cuddle for a little bit before
they start their day. They use my last name. They fight over who gets to sit
next to me at dinner. They show me off to their friends. When they are hurting
or in need they scream "Moooooooom!!", and they expect for either me
or Joy to come. They think i'm perfect, not because I do everything right, but
because I am theirs. I didn't fully understand how deeply they felt this until
I left and came back. The director of our organization, my good friend
Cassandra, called me while I was in the States and tried to explain this to me,
but I didn't see it. Well, now I do. And wow.....
It was honestly a huge shock and pretty scary. Why? Well,
because I have no flipping idea how to be a mother. I have absolutely no idea.
Even though i've had a lot of practice over the past 8 months, there is still
so much that I don't know. Thats where the whole focusing on two things comes
in. In order to learn how to be a mother I first have to learn how to be a
daughter, His daughter. He told me that if i just stop... If I just stop and be
His, that He will teach me everything I need to know about being a mom in
Mtwapa, Kenya. He will teach me to speak the language. He will teach me to ride
a motorbike to get around. He will teach me how to discipline my kids. He will
teach me how to cook Kenyan food, and do it well. But in order to do that He
needs me to stop... just stop, and be His.
So this season looks a lot different than I thought it
would. I now know that I'm not here to try to change the world and end sex
slavery or shut down a brothel town through amazing projects and working really
hard. I'm not even here for ministry. I am here for family. Daughters and
mothers are not parts of ministry. They are members of a family. I'm not called
to a children's home or a rescue home. I'm called to mother my children by
being mothered and fathered by my God. I'm called to being His daughter.
It's funny because I look at Joy (our other mom) and I laugh
because she does this with such ease. It's like she was created for this. And
then I look at myself and I am such a mess. I'm so desperate for Jesus to teach
me how to do this.... But maybe that's why He chose me... because He loves to
choose the least likely, the biggest messes, and make them beautiful.
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