So, I realize that my previous blogs have been very heavy with the going-ons of my mind and light with details about my South African adventure. I am going to blame that on two things: firstly I have not been journaling which I usually do a lot of so all my inner thought have been coming out in my blog, and secondly because this journey is as much about the inner experience as it about the outer. I can only expect to discover on this journey of self discovery.
So, I don’t even know where to start. As I said before there are SO MANY KIDS! My class is huge. Its so hard to teach a drama class of 54 kids. It’s not like math or something where they are all sitting in desks and you’re writing on a white board. My class is a totally interactive, high energy, kids running around all over the place proclaiming to be jello or ice, or fire, or honey or water or whatever other thing I decide to tell them to embody kind of environment. And it’s hard to keep that kind of environment under control when there are so many kids and only one me. I am thankful that Bandile and Natalie have been coming to help me each day but this kind of class is totally foreign to them so the best they can do is sit back and watch me work and to function as translators when need be.
The other big obstacle is space. The first day I used a classroom which was fine that day because we were just introducing ourselves so we were seated most of the time. But since then I have been holding my class outside in a space behind the school. This is cumbersome because the hot African sun is beating down on them and shining in their eyes as I make them rum back and forth across the space pretending to be animals but more than that my voice gets blown away with the wind a lot of the time. I have to scream so loudly for all the kids to be able to hear me. The seasons are changing so the wind in Cape Town is crazy right now. So my little voice regularly gets carried away with it as my army of almost 60 seventh graders wait eagerly to hear instructions on what to do next. I’m telling you, this is work! I’d give almost anything to have a classroom like we had at my high school and college to hold my class in... I’d almost give as much as I would for another teacher to take half the class or to be able to hold two separate sessions with 30 kids each.
All that being said and all things considered the class is going quite well. This past week I really just focused on getting them out of their shells because they are all so shy! It’s a cultural thing. These children definitely are not big bold loud American drama students ready to jump into the spotlight at any moment. They are shy and have to be pushed to stand outside of the crowd. So this week we did a lot of group games and fun physical activities to get them loose and having fun as well as to get them comfortable with each other and with me. They really had a great time! They are still pretty intimidated by me and quite embarrassed to speak English in front of their peers but by Tuesday and Wednesday they were really opening up and answering questions and volunteering to be a part of activities- even games like charades that requires one person to stand up and perform in front of the whole group! I was so proud of them. They were so eager and excited. They had come miles away from where they began on Monday. On Monday I made them each stand up and say “Hello, my name is ________, Today I feel _________, My greatest love is __________, and my greatest fear is__________.” You would have thought I asked them to jump off Table Mountain or something! They were terrified! But as the week went on the fear began to melt away and they really began to open up.
On Thursday I broke them up into 7 groups. I told each group to choose one topic that they wanted to make their skit on. I feel like it is way too early for me to let them start creating skits, but they are eager to do so and I’m trying to remember that this is not about me turning them into brilliant actors, its about allowing them to share their stories and to build their self confidence. So, I think from now on I am going to structure the class where we learn technique for the first half of the class and for the second half we work on our skits. So, after breaking them up into groups I went to each group and told them to think about this: if we could change one thing in the world what would it be. I told them to think about what goes on in their lives and what they’d like to change about it. I gave them a personal example. I said that if I had to do a skit about one thing I’d like to change, mine would be about love. I would make a skit about how love can cross all borders and boundaries. I gave them a few minutes to discuss among themselves and each group came up with a topic. The topics they came up with were: sexual abuse, gangsterism, drugs, domestic abuse, child abuse, prostitution and neglect… deep huh? After going around to each group and discussing their topics I was very shocked at how open they were, how willing to discuss these very private and deep issues with me, an outsider. But then I realized that to them these topics are not private. They are in their faces everyday and have become a regular part of everyday life. So, I pushed back my initial instinct to get teary and emotional and decided to take action which is what I’m here to do. That’s when I decided to move along with the skits even thought they haven’t gotten much technical training in acting yet. They have so much to say, so for one I am going to let them say it. And who knows? Maybe these skits will help change the world, and if not at least it may help change their community or help change someone’s mind.
I haven’t been back to the orphanages this week because my schedule at the school keeps changing and I’m just getting used to using the bus system. But, Monday is a public holiday so there is no school so I am going to go the orphanages and work for a few hours. Also, after next week the kids are out of school for 2 weeks for their Easter break so during those 2 weeks I’ll be at the orphanages instead of at the schools. To be quite honest, I feel wary of working at the orphanages. It’s not the same as working at the schools. This is going to sound awful, but honestly its like at the school I leave feeling good because I am doing something about the things going on with these kids. I am equipping them with vital tools that they can use to further themselves in life and help them to become more successful. But, when I think about the orphanages I just get so overwhelmed with emotion and feel wary of going because it’s like these kids have absolutely no stimulation. The resources just aren’t available. They sit around all day long waiting for their turn to be fed or changed. There are no nursery rhymes or toys or activity. Its just sickness everywhere… I feel like there isn’t really much I can do about it- except that there is. I have a vision. Pastor Vusi and I are going to open up our own orphanage. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like THAT is doing something progressive for these kids, more than just feeding them or changing their diaper (which don’t get me wrong is absolutely important which is why I’ve volunteered to do it). But, my vision for our orphanage is less like a hospice and more like a vibrant learning center where HIV positive orphans don’t wait to die, but actively live and learn. I’d like for there to be a day care center downstairs with colors and toys and all sorts of stimulating activities for the little ones. There will be a receptionist at the front with all the kids’ medical files and birth certificates which are important because in this country if you have those documents and are HIV positive you get a grant every month. So all the children will receive their grant money and I will be able to afford to buy them good healthy food to help them live longer healthier lives. Also, ARVs are free in this country. So, there will be a little nurse’s office that distributes medication to each child before they head off to school. My main goal for this orphanage is for the focus to be on living instead of dying. After talking with Pastor Vusi about my vision, he is totally on board with it. We have already identified the land we want to buy to build it on and are in the process of securing funds. Remember when I said coming to volunteer in Africa after spending $30,000 on a college degree was the craziest thing I’ve ever done? Well, I take that back. Embarking on a mission such as building an orphanage in Africa when I have no experience or the slightest bit of understanding on where to even start is the craziest thing I’ve ever done. But the vision has not left me since I first saw it while at Prisilla’s orphanage and I know better than to ignore dreams the universe is so blatantly laying before me. So, I’m still praying about it and trying to see how we can possibly make this happen, but I believe in it! And I’m very excited to see it come to pass!
Speaking of my orphanage, here in South Africa names are very important. You are supposed to live up to your name and as you go through life you are given different names for different reasons such as when you get married etc. Anyways, my friend Natalie was explaining all of this to me the other day because I have been given a name here. She had noticed that I wasn’t really using the name that they had given me so she was explaining to me the significance of being given a name. She said it is the ultimate gesture of welcome and something that I should be very proud of. The name that Natalie and the whole Funda family (Pastor Vusi’s family) gave me is Nonceba. It is a Xhosa name which means “grace” or “good deeds” so they found the name fitting for me. It is a little hard to pronounce because the “c” is pronounced by putting your tongue at the back of your upper front teeth and making a sucking sound… yeah, its hard to describe, but anyways… this all has to do with the orphanage because the name of the orphanage is going to be “Abantwana Benceba” which broken down is “Children of Nonceba” or “Children of Grace”. They are naming the orphanage after me It is such a sweet and humbling gesture and I love the double meaning in the name.
Besides that things are good. I have a four day weekend this weekend which is cool. Mpho and I are going to Kirstenbosh gardens on Monday which is exciting. We wanna go before the weather gets cold. These gardens are beautiful! I am very excited.
Things at the house are going well. I have really been bonding well with my housemates particularly Levante and John. AND….. a girl moved in today! She’ll only be here for 2 weeks but it’s still very exciting. I really get along well with Hazel (the owner) too so I really like my living situation. I really don’t want to move. I should because Pastor Vusi has found a family that is willing to let me stay with them for only one third of what I pay to live here. But, the family lives in the township so its not nearly as safe as where I live now so I wouldn’t be able to walk places alone and stuff. Also I will loose the luxury of living with people that speak English as well as the comfort of knowing I’m not being targeted. I live in an area with lots of travelers so its not like I’m being singled out. But living in the township, that would be a constant worry and a constant fear. I don’t want to have to live in fear. But, I also have to be able to pay my rent so we’ll what happens. Hey, I do have $10,000 coming my way so I shouldn’t even be worried about rent I budgeted for living and travel expenses in the budget for the proposal!
Okay, I’m tired now so I am going to rest. Tomorrow is Sunday so I gotta get up for church and all. Love you all! Thanks for reading! xo
Sunday, March 21, 2010
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all a matter of things shall be well"
3/20/2010
It is amazing to me how there are billions of people in this world but somehow God has time and cares enough to recognize me, and not only recognize me, but work in my favor. Last week I had a conversation with Pastor Vusi and a visiting American pastor from Florida that resulted in me posting a blog about God answering prayers, or moreover God not answering prayers. The topic had been on my mind a lot in the past weeks, but I’d been too ashamed and afraid to open my mouth and speak about it. But, when I finally did release my questions about God and prayer out into the universe I got more clear and immediate answers than I ever have from any prayer I’ve ever prayed. It’s like the energy I put into my thoughts about it and my conversation about it and my blog about it was offered up to the Universe and in return was given back to me in the form of answers. Or simply put, God heard my cry and He responded.
My answer came in many forms- from emails of scriptural explanations and insight from my Aunt/Godmother/spiritual mentor/great friend Angela, to very vivid dreams, to its actual manifestation in my life over the past few days. I have come to a solid and unmovable understanding that God always, ALWAYS answers prayers… the answer just may not be what we were hoping for. God is not a wishing well. We cannot go to him and ask for whatever we’d like and expect for it to magically appear no questions asked. And actually the fact that this is so is a blessing because judging by our history if humans always got exactly what they asked for this world would be an ugly place. Instead we are encouraged to offer up our prayers and desires to God and yes, expect an answer, but that answer will sometimes be no. I now understand that God answers our prayers according to what is best for us and according to his divine plan. Also the spirit whispered a little phrase to me in my sleep the other night: “divine timing”, and to make things more clear He gave me a living breathing example in my own life:
Yesterday I received an email from the Ella Lyman Cabot Trust that began by saying “Dear Ms. Richardson, We are interested in you and your proposal and would be happy to submit your grant request for consideration by the Board of Trustees at the May 15th meeting”. I was reading this email at an internet café, but luckily I was in an isolated cubicle where no one could see my expression or the tears running down m my face. You see I applied for a $10,000 grant from the Ella Lyman Cabot Trust. This is the first and only grant I have ever applied for so I have absolutely no experience in grant writing. I spent weeks and weeks researching trying to find grants that support the kind of work I am doing but it was very difficult because of two main things: I am an individual not an organization of any kind, and this is an international project. People are wary of giving large amounts of money to 23 year old bartending actresses with big dreams especially when the money will be used in a different country, and understandably so! But when my friend Natalie emailed me information on the Ella Lyman Cabot Trust and I read the description of the type of people they support I thought “this is mine!” Literally, as soon as I read it I was so sure that this belonged to me. I worked very hard and came up with a Letter of Intent that I felt really good about, mailed it off, and waited. According to the website we were to be notified either way by February. I heard nothing until yesterday March 19th when I got an email telling me that I am that much closer to receiving the grant. I am writing about this to share the goo news, but more importantly to share how that little whisper “divine timing” was the best answer God could have given me. You see, in my previous blog I talk about how I’ve been praying for God to eradicate poverty here in South Africa as well as throughout the world. Although I did not wake up yesterday to a poverty free world, I did wake up to a little reminder that all things that are of God happen according to his divine timing, not ours, or even the information on the Ella Lyman Cabot Trust website.
A few months ago I fasted and prayed for 3 days in hopes of raising $10,000 at a fundraiser I was having that Friday evening. That night I did not raise that $10,000 I was praying for nor did I raise it at any other fundraiser I had. I left the country with exactly $2,000 and a whole lotta faith. Now, in God’s divine timing I receive an email about a grant that I applied for from which I requested none other than… $10,000. I believe with my entire being that I am going to receive this grant; not because I deserve it or because my Letter of Intent was really good, but because it is a part of God’s divine plan and its all coming together in His divine timing. God would not call me to come all the way here and then not provide for me and make a way for me to do His work. He just wouldn’t do that, and I’ve always known that which is why even though I didn’t have enough money to support myself when I left I came anyway, because I knew He would make a way. I just didn’t know what that way was.
Please pray for me everyone. All the papers are due to the Trust on April 12th. I have to send in a revised letter of intent, 3 support letters from people who know me well and support my project and my integrity, and a short application. All shall be well, and all shall be well and all a matter of things shall be well…
It is amazing to me how there are billions of people in this world but somehow God has time and cares enough to recognize me, and not only recognize me, but work in my favor. Last week I had a conversation with Pastor Vusi and a visiting American pastor from Florida that resulted in me posting a blog about God answering prayers, or moreover God not answering prayers. The topic had been on my mind a lot in the past weeks, but I’d been too ashamed and afraid to open my mouth and speak about it. But, when I finally did release my questions about God and prayer out into the universe I got more clear and immediate answers than I ever have from any prayer I’ve ever prayed. It’s like the energy I put into my thoughts about it and my conversation about it and my blog about it was offered up to the Universe and in return was given back to me in the form of answers. Or simply put, God heard my cry and He responded.
My answer came in many forms- from emails of scriptural explanations and insight from my Aunt/Godmother/spiritual mentor/great friend Angela, to very vivid dreams, to its actual manifestation in my life over the past few days. I have come to a solid and unmovable understanding that God always, ALWAYS answers prayers… the answer just may not be what we were hoping for. God is not a wishing well. We cannot go to him and ask for whatever we’d like and expect for it to magically appear no questions asked. And actually the fact that this is so is a blessing because judging by our history if humans always got exactly what they asked for this world would be an ugly place. Instead we are encouraged to offer up our prayers and desires to God and yes, expect an answer, but that answer will sometimes be no. I now understand that God answers our prayers according to what is best for us and according to his divine plan. Also the spirit whispered a little phrase to me in my sleep the other night: “divine timing”, and to make things more clear He gave me a living breathing example in my own life:
Yesterday I received an email from the Ella Lyman Cabot Trust that began by saying “Dear Ms. Richardson, We are interested in you and your proposal and would be happy to submit your grant request for consideration by the Board of Trustees at the May 15th meeting”. I was reading this email at an internet café, but luckily I was in an isolated cubicle where no one could see my expression or the tears running down m my face. You see I applied for a $10,000 grant from the Ella Lyman Cabot Trust. This is the first and only grant I have ever applied for so I have absolutely no experience in grant writing. I spent weeks and weeks researching trying to find grants that support the kind of work I am doing but it was very difficult because of two main things: I am an individual not an organization of any kind, and this is an international project. People are wary of giving large amounts of money to 23 year old bartending actresses with big dreams especially when the money will be used in a different country, and understandably so! But when my friend Natalie emailed me information on the Ella Lyman Cabot Trust and I read the description of the type of people they support I thought “this is mine!” Literally, as soon as I read it I was so sure that this belonged to me. I worked very hard and came up with a Letter of Intent that I felt really good about, mailed it off, and waited. According to the website we were to be notified either way by February. I heard nothing until yesterday March 19th when I got an email telling me that I am that much closer to receiving the grant. I am writing about this to share the goo news, but more importantly to share how that little whisper “divine timing” was the best answer God could have given me. You see, in my previous blog I talk about how I’ve been praying for God to eradicate poverty here in South Africa as well as throughout the world. Although I did not wake up yesterday to a poverty free world, I did wake up to a little reminder that all things that are of God happen according to his divine timing, not ours, or even the information on the Ella Lyman Cabot Trust website.
A few months ago I fasted and prayed for 3 days in hopes of raising $10,000 at a fundraiser I was having that Friday evening. That night I did not raise that $10,000 I was praying for nor did I raise it at any other fundraiser I had. I left the country with exactly $2,000 and a whole lotta faith. Now, in God’s divine timing I receive an email about a grant that I applied for from which I requested none other than… $10,000. I believe with my entire being that I am going to receive this grant; not because I deserve it or because my Letter of Intent was really good, but because it is a part of God’s divine plan and its all coming together in His divine timing. God would not call me to come all the way here and then not provide for me and make a way for me to do His work. He just wouldn’t do that, and I’ve always known that which is why even though I didn’t have enough money to support myself when I left I came anyway, because I knew He would make a way. I just didn’t know what that way was.
Please pray for me everyone. All the papers are due to the Trust on April 12th. I have to send in a revised letter of intent, 3 support letters from people who know me well and support my project and my integrity, and a short application. All shall be well, and all shall be well and all a matter of things shall be well…
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
3/15/10
There is so much going on that writing about it all seems very intimidating, but I’ve got to document this all some time. First of all, hello loved ones. I’ve learned after traveling abroad so many times that there is a pattern that happens within your loved ones in your absence. At first, everyone is so desperate to contact you and nervous about your well being. But after about three weeks everyone seems to calm down and trust that you are doing just fine. Then after a few more weeks pass everyone just wants to know how things are going and what you are doing because they are curious. But once you pass the two month mark you being abroad is just part of life and everyone accepts it and the nervous emails and emails in general cease. Luckily, I have skated through the first few stages this time around and it seems as if everyone is comfortable with me being here and not freaking out which is great. Because really, I am absolutely fine. In fact, I feel more alive and useful and active here than I ever do at home. It’s like this is my real life and I just take extended vacations to the States on a regular basis.
So, I have officially been here for one week as of yesterday. I can’t believe that. It feels like I’ve been here for much longer. I’m living in a house in Observatory which is very close to Mowbray (the suburb I lived in during 2008). I’m very familiar with area so I feel very comfortable. I’m living in a guest house owned by a woman named Hazel. I only ended up staying at that other place for one night before moving into my room here. The house can hold up to about 12 people but there are only 6 of us at the time. Hazel lives in a little house behind the guest house, so not counting her I am the only female. There are all guys in the house plus me…. That’s definitely a new experience. I’m getting along well with all the guys. There is a Turkish guy named Levante who is really nice. He’s lived here the longest- about 3 or 4 months. He’s actually illegal right now, but works under the table at a bar down the road. There’s also a guy named Mark who’s a doctor from Sweden and a guy named John who is from some country in Central Africa that he care not name because he is very deep and feels that the phrase “I am from this country” or “I am from that country” is irrelevant because we are all “from the world”. Naming a specific country when asked where you are from, according to him, is very stifling. I like John a lot. He’s very long winded when he speaks which of course to me, coming from a country where actual human contact and intimate conversation and connection is very rare can be a bit frustrating, but I realize that it’s because of a flaw in me and has nothing to do with him. John lived in the wild for two years before coming to this house. He lives in a tent in the back of our house. He has very little material belongings and believes in spending life searching and growing spiritually and intellectually. He keeps life as simple as possible and really values time to sit and think about humanity and to meditate… his father passed away this weekend which is probably why he’s on my mind so much and I am taking up this much of my blog talking about him. But ever since his father passed whenever I see John he goes into a deep conversation that lasts at least half an hour or so, even if I just came out of my room to pee or something. So, before I started blogging I was in the kitchen listening to him talk and all I could think about was how he kept going on and on. It made me sad because its like because of my life style at home I am incapable of sitting for an hour and listening to a hurting grieving man talk some of his pain away without itching to get up and go… and go… and go do nothing. That’s the thing, I’m not even rushing to do anything. I just haven’t exercised my humanity muscle in so long. Usually during conversation (when it actually does happen at home) someone always receives a text or the TV is on in the background or just anything to interrupt the pure human connection. That’s not the way it is in my house or my life right now for that matter. My life is all about pure uninterrupted human to human connection and its uncomfortable. Even while riding home today, my friend Natalie talked for the entire 30 minute ride non-stop lol. I’m thinking “Oh my gosh! She’s never going to stop”, but then I realized its because in their culture you actually care about how people are doing and how they are feeling. So when I ask her how she’s doing today it takes an entire 30 minute taxi ride to tell me, and when she asks me she expects the same in return. So, for the past few days there have been many situations where I feel like a robot thrown into a sea of living people and I’m just trying to get my humanity back. I’m trying to be able to sit in the kitchen for an hour and listen to a pained man grieve over his dead father without my mind wandering off and trying to find the least awkward time for me to leap for the door. I know that makes me out to be insensitive and selfish, but you know, that probably means that I am, which is exactly why I’m working on it. I hate admitting that it exists almost as much as I hate the fact that it exists. But, thank God, we have the ability to change the things that we don’t like about ourselves and that’s exactly what I’m working on doing.
Coming to South Africa is always a very spiritual experience for me. I always feel closer to God here than I ever do at home and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am isolated here. I mean, yes I’m around people all the time, but I don’t have my safety blanket of family and best friends like I do at home. I have Mpho, but even when I am with her she is always challenging me spiritually (I mean ‘challenging’ in a good way) and causing me to look deeper inside myself. The work that I am doing here also causes me to grow spiritually because it causes me to ask a lot of questions and face a lot of realities in the world such as no matter how hard I pray for the children in the orphanage to have clean water and proper food to eat everyday, they may not get it. No matter how hard I pray and ask our great big all encompassing God to please heal this country and not let another child go hungry or die from a preventable disease He just may not answer and that’s hard for me to accept. Being in the township among such deep poverty every single day makes me question God. Not His existence, but the way He works. Like, my entire childhood and into my adult life I’ve heard that phrase over and over “God answers prayers”. I’ve even said it myself. But, what about when He doesn’t? What about when good people live good Godly lives and pray for their entire lifetimes for God to provide for them and get them out of these slums, but they die hungry and sick in their shacks? What about them? What about all the prayers our generation and the generation before and before and before have prayed over these children dying motherless and fatherless from AIDS because they have no money to pay for transportation to the hospitals to get medicine? What do you do when God doesn’t answer prayers? What do you say to children when you try to teach them about Jesus but they’ve seen their parents pray to a Jesus that never showed up? Family, I know you are reading this and cringing and I’m very sorry, but I’m just being honest. What do you do then? Well, I’ve come to an understanding that that’s just another one of those things that I cant agree with the bible 100% on. If you ask, even if you are a poor mother asking God for money to feed your children, you will not always receive. God answers prayers sometimes. Impoverished people are reaping the consequences of a lot of man made evil and for some reason God has chosen to allow them to reap it. Poverty, hunger, disease, those things are not of God. I don’t know why He will not stop it and I don’t know why I continue to pray for it to be eradicated when I know if a prayer was all it took poverty would have been gone centuries ago, but for some reason I keep praying, I keep believing. And that’s why I say this experience has made me grow spiritually- because even in all that I do not understand about God and amidst all the unanswered questions and prayers I still know that He is real. I still feel something deep inside me that won’t let me loose the faith.
I visited both of the schools for the first time today. This is going to be so much hard work. What I’m most nervous about is the fact that I have no curriculum. I have to create this whole program on my own… well not really on my own because I plan to just allow the spirit to guide me and remember that I am only a vessel. I must remember that. I can’t get caught up in trying to do God’s work; I must let him work through me. That’s the only way that this will be a success. I was under the impression that I was only going to be working at one school, a primary school. But Pastor Vusi has also arranged for me to work at Mandela High School. So, from Monday to Thursday every week I will be teaching a ‘Life Skills Through Theatre’ course at two different schools in the township of Crossroads. The primary school program will be a lot like YEA workshop. The high school program will be geared toward putting together a big performance at the end of their term focused on what it’s like to be an HIV positive teen in a high school in South Africa today. We have chosen that topic because lots of the students that will be involved in the piece are positive and very sick which poses many challenges in school.
I didn’t know that so many children would be interested in the programs, but we got an overwhelming response. I am not sure how I am going to teach a drama class of 60 kids alone. Luckily I have two people coming tomorrow to help me translate and keep discipline. I’m hoping they continue to come help me everyday… All the school teachers were asking who is paying me for doing this and how much I am getting paid. Everyone is always so shocked when I tell them that I’m doing this for free. But it’s just something that I have to do. It’s not about money. It’s about making a difference in a child’s life. I feel so strongly that I have to give back, and until I can find someone to pay me to do it I’ll just do it for free. If I go through like sacrificing brightening children’s futures for pay checks I know that I will never be happy (family, I’m sorry I know that you are cringing again). But I really believe that one day this is all going to come back to me and I will actually have a paid career doing this and it will all be worth it. Someone once said to me, “Do the thing you love to do then find a way to get paid for it”. That’s exactly what I’m doing now and in the meantime I am being so blessed. It’s so funny how whenever you go volunteer to help people you end up being helped just as much. I am gaining from this country and these children just as much if not more than they are gaining from me. I am really living and growing and interacting and it feels amazing! That is all such a huge blessing. If you asked me where I’d be 10 years from now 10 years ago I never would have thought this would be my life, but this is my life, and I’d have it no other way.
There is so much going on that writing about it all seems very intimidating, but I’ve got to document this all some time. First of all, hello loved ones. I’ve learned after traveling abroad so many times that there is a pattern that happens within your loved ones in your absence. At first, everyone is so desperate to contact you and nervous about your well being. But after about three weeks everyone seems to calm down and trust that you are doing just fine. Then after a few more weeks pass everyone just wants to know how things are going and what you are doing because they are curious. But once you pass the two month mark you being abroad is just part of life and everyone accepts it and the nervous emails and emails in general cease. Luckily, I have skated through the first few stages this time around and it seems as if everyone is comfortable with me being here and not freaking out which is great. Because really, I am absolutely fine. In fact, I feel more alive and useful and active here than I ever do at home. It’s like this is my real life and I just take extended vacations to the States on a regular basis.
So, I have officially been here for one week as of yesterday. I can’t believe that. It feels like I’ve been here for much longer. I’m living in a house in Observatory which is very close to Mowbray (the suburb I lived in during 2008). I’m very familiar with area so I feel very comfortable. I’m living in a guest house owned by a woman named Hazel. I only ended up staying at that other place for one night before moving into my room here. The house can hold up to about 12 people but there are only 6 of us at the time. Hazel lives in a little house behind the guest house, so not counting her I am the only female. There are all guys in the house plus me…. That’s definitely a new experience. I’m getting along well with all the guys. There is a Turkish guy named Levante who is really nice. He’s lived here the longest- about 3 or 4 months. He’s actually illegal right now, but works under the table at a bar down the road. There’s also a guy named Mark who’s a doctor from Sweden and a guy named John who is from some country in Central Africa that he care not name because he is very deep and feels that the phrase “I am from this country” or “I am from that country” is irrelevant because we are all “from the world”. Naming a specific country when asked where you are from, according to him, is very stifling. I like John a lot. He’s very long winded when he speaks which of course to me, coming from a country where actual human contact and intimate conversation and connection is very rare can be a bit frustrating, but I realize that it’s because of a flaw in me and has nothing to do with him. John lived in the wild for two years before coming to this house. He lives in a tent in the back of our house. He has very little material belongings and believes in spending life searching and growing spiritually and intellectually. He keeps life as simple as possible and really values time to sit and think about humanity and to meditate… his father passed away this weekend which is probably why he’s on my mind so much and I am taking up this much of my blog talking about him. But ever since his father passed whenever I see John he goes into a deep conversation that lasts at least half an hour or so, even if I just came out of my room to pee or something. So, before I started blogging I was in the kitchen listening to him talk and all I could think about was how he kept going on and on. It made me sad because its like because of my life style at home I am incapable of sitting for an hour and listening to a hurting grieving man talk some of his pain away without itching to get up and go… and go… and go do nothing. That’s the thing, I’m not even rushing to do anything. I just haven’t exercised my humanity muscle in so long. Usually during conversation (when it actually does happen at home) someone always receives a text or the TV is on in the background or just anything to interrupt the pure human connection. That’s not the way it is in my house or my life right now for that matter. My life is all about pure uninterrupted human to human connection and its uncomfortable. Even while riding home today, my friend Natalie talked for the entire 30 minute ride non-stop lol. I’m thinking “Oh my gosh! She’s never going to stop”, but then I realized its because in their culture you actually care about how people are doing and how they are feeling. So when I ask her how she’s doing today it takes an entire 30 minute taxi ride to tell me, and when she asks me she expects the same in return. So, for the past few days there have been many situations where I feel like a robot thrown into a sea of living people and I’m just trying to get my humanity back. I’m trying to be able to sit in the kitchen for an hour and listen to a pained man grieve over his dead father without my mind wandering off and trying to find the least awkward time for me to leap for the door. I know that makes me out to be insensitive and selfish, but you know, that probably means that I am, which is exactly why I’m working on it. I hate admitting that it exists almost as much as I hate the fact that it exists. But, thank God, we have the ability to change the things that we don’t like about ourselves and that’s exactly what I’m working on doing.
Coming to South Africa is always a very spiritual experience for me. I always feel closer to God here than I ever do at home and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am isolated here. I mean, yes I’m around people all the time, but I don’t have my safety blanket of family and best friends like I do at home. I have Mpho, but even when I am with her she is always challenging me spiritually (I mean ‘challenging’ in a good way) and causing me to look deeper inside myself. The work that I am doing here also causes me to grow spiritually because it causes me to ask a lot of questions and face a lot of realities in the world such as no matter how hard I pray for the children in the orphanage to have clean water and proper food to eat everyday, they may not get it. No matter how hard I pray and ask our great big all encompassing God to please heal this country and not let another child go hungry or die from a preventable disease He just may not answer and that’s hard for me to accept. Being in the township among such deep poverty every single day makes me question God. Not His existence, but the way He works. Like, my entire childhood and into my adult life I’ve heard that phrase over and over “God answers prayers”. I’ve even said it myself. But, what about when He doesn’t? What about when good people live good Godly lives and pray for their entire lifetimes for God to provide for them and get them out of these slums, but they die hungry and sick in their shacks? What about them? What about all the prayers our generation and the generation before and before and before have prayed over these children dying motherless and fatherless from AIDS because they have no money to pay for transportation to the hospitals to get medicine? What do you do when God doesn’t answer prayers? What do you say to children when you try to teach them about Jesus but they’ve seen their parents pray to a Jesus that never showed up? Family, I know you are reading this and cringing and I’m very sorry, but I’m just being honest. What do you do then? Well, I’ve come to an understanding that that’s just another one of those things that I cant agree with the bible 100% on. If you ask, even if you are a poor mother asking God for money to feed your children, you will not always receive. God answers prayers sometimes. Impoverished people are reaping the consequences of a lot of man made evil and for some reason God has chosen to allow them to reap it. Poverty, hunger, disease, those things are not of God. I don’t know why He will not stop it and I don’t know why I continue to pray for it to be eradicated when I know if a prayer was all it took poverty would have been gone centuries ago, but for some reason I keep praying, I keep believing. And that’s why I say this experience has made me grow spiritually- because even in all that I do not understand about God and amidst all the unanswered questions and prayers I still know that He is real. I still feel something deep inside me that won’t let me loose the faith.
I visited both of the schools for the first time today. This is going to be so much hard work. What I’m most nervous about is the fact that I have no curriculum. I have to create this whole program on my own… well not really on my own because I plan to just allow the spirit to guide me and remember that I am only a vessel. I must remember that. I can’t get caught up in trying to do God’s work; I must let him work through me. That’s the only way that this will be a success. I was under the impression that I was only going to be working at one school, a primary school. But Pastor Vusi has also arranged for me to work at Mandela High School. So, from Monday to Thursday every week I will be teaching a ‘Life Skills Through Theatre’ course at two different schools in the township of Crossroads. The primary school program will be a lot like YEA workshop. The high school program will be geared toward putting together a big performance at the end of their term focused on what it’s like to be an HIV positive teen in a high school in South Africa today. We have chosen that topic because lots of the students that will be involved in the piece are positive and very sick which poses many challenges in school.
I didn’t know that so many children would be interested in the programs, but we got an overwhelming response. I am not sure how I am going to teach a drama class of 60 kids alone. Luckily I have two people coming tomorrow to help me translate and keep discipline. I’m hoping they continue to come help me everyday… All the school teachers were asking who is paying me for doing this and how much I am getting paid. Everyone is always so shocked when I tell them that I’m doing this for free. But it’s just something that I have to do. It’s not about money. It’s about making a difference in a child’s life. I feel so strongly that I have to give back, and until I can find someone to pay me to do it I’ll just do it for free. If I go through like sacrificing brightening children’s futures for pay checks I know that I will never be happy (family, I’m sorry I know that you are cringing again). But I really believe that one day this is all going to come back to me and I will actually have a paid career doing this and it will all be worth it. Someone once said to me, “Do the thing you love to do then find a way to get paid for it”. That’s exactly what I’m doing now and in the meantime I am being so blessed. It’s so funny how whenever you go volunteer to help people you end up being helped just as much. I am gaining from this country and these children just as much if not more than they are gaining from me. I am really living and growing and interacting and it feels amazing! That is all such a huge blessing. If you asked me where I’d be 10 years from now 10 years ago I never would have thought this would be my life, but this is my life, and I’d have it no other way.
Orphanages
3/11/2010
Today was a crazy day. I’ve been up since God knows when because I still haven’t adjusted to the time difference. It eleven at night, I just got home, and I am absolutely exhausted and ready to pass out. But before I can allow myself to do that I had to write because today I had some experiences that I have to reflect on, even if it is very brief. Pastor Vusi, Bandile and I went to a workshop headed by some American church people from Florida today, and afterward we stopped to visit two of the places I will be working at starting next week. The first one was an orphanage for children with disabilities. We didn’t really get to tour because the owner wasn’t there and we have a tour planned for next week, but we did get to stop in and visit. The visual was, for lack of a less harsh word and lack of the desire to use one, sickening. We walked in to a small room sweltering with heat and overcome with flies. Ugh, they were everywhere. There were 2 adults in the room and, if I remember correctly, 16 children- each with a missing limb or some other disability. None were able to feed themselves or walk around normally, and it was lunchtime. So each adult- might I emphasize that these workers are volunteers and do not get paid for their work- had a child across their lap that they were feeding. One was eating the food that was being fed to him. The other’s body was completely limp and her face was distorted. It looked as if her mouth and other facial features were melting off. Each time the woman would put a spoon of the strange orange lumpy mixture into her mouth it would just drip out of the corners and onto a turquoise towel that was laid on the floor. The rest of the children who were not yet being fed were all laying on the floor, some in odd positions that they were physically incapable of getting out of, allowing the snot to run freely from their noses until either their upper lip or a their hand that ran tardily across their little cheek stopped it.
Today was a crazy day. I’ve been up since God knows when because I still haven’t adjusted to the time difference. It eleven at night, I just got home, and I am absolutely exhausted and ready to pass out. But before I can allow myself to do that I had to write because today I had some experiences that I have to reflect on, even if it is very brief. Pastor Vusi, Bandile and I went to a workshop headed by some American church people from Florida today, and afterward we stopped to visit two of the places I will be working at starting next week. The first one was an orphanage for children with disabilities. We didn’t really get to tour because the owner wasn’t there and we have a tour planned for next week, but we did get to stop in and visit. The visual was, for lack of a less harsh word and lack of the desire to use one, sickening. We walked in to a small room sweltering with heat and overcome with flies. Ugh, they were everywhere. There were 2 adults in the room and, if I remember correctly, 16 children- each with a missing limb or some other disability. None were able to feed themselves or walk around normally, and it was lunchtime. So each adult- might I emphasize that these workers are volunteers and do not get paid for their work- had a child across their lap that they were feeding. One was eating the food that was being fed to him. The other’s body was completely limp and her face was distorted. It looked as if her mouth and other facial features were melting off. Each time the woman would put a spoon of the strange orange lumpy mixture into her mouth it would just drip out of the corners and onto a turquoise towel that was laid on the floor. The rest of the children who were not yet being fed were all laying on the floor, some in odd positions that they were physically incapable of getting out of, allowing the snot to run freely from their noses until either their upper lip or a their hand that ran tardily across their little cheek stopped it.
Just Arriving
I just arrived at my house. I am sitting in my little room on my bed typing this blog in Microsoft Word because there is no internet access in this house. I can’t really describe the way I’m feeling right now because everything just seemed to happen so fast. One minute I was at my grandpa’s house surrounded by my family and eating barbeque, now all of a sudden I am in Africa, all alone, sitting on a bed in a strange room that quite possibly may be my home for the next 3 weeks. It is scorching in here. I totally forgot about the part where there is no heat or air conditioner in this country. In the living room there are two people from a country I can not pin point speaking a language I do not recognize. I tried making small talk with them but all I got was that they’ve been here for ten days and will probably be here for about ten more. They aren’t very friendly, definitely not South African. We didn’t even get to the name portion of the conversation before the awkwardness became so thick in the room that I almost choked, so I decided to come back to the comfort of my cozy little room. There is another girl here too but she is sleeping. I only saw her coming out of the bathroom when I was coming into the house. Because I don’t have my American luxuries such as my cell phone or clock I have no idea what time it actually is. But, I think its around 12am. My flight got in at 10pm so that seems about right… I’m itching so bad already. I have the window open to let in a little breeze. My friend Kate says tomorrow is going to be even hotter… I need to invest in a fan.
The journey from the states was actually pretty smooth. The 15 hour flight to Jo’burg didn’t seem so long. It felt like maybe 8 hours. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to get a business class seat- it would have been nice, but I am just grateful that I had a seat at all. However, for some reason I was the most uncomfortable on this flight than I’ve ever been. No matter what I did I just could not get comfortable. Neither could the two girls beside me though so we kind of made a joke of it. Eventually we made it to Jo’burg and I had 3 hours to catch my next flight which was to Cape Town. I was really nervous about arriving in Cape Town because I didn’t know if Pastor Vusi would be there to pick me up. But, he was right there waiting with a big hug and even bigger smile when I came through those glass doors. I immediately felt a huge sense of ease.
I wish I could describe how different the air is here. As soon as I walked off the plane the air hit me and I began to smile. (Here you walk straight off the plane into the outside not into a tunnel that connects to the airport. You have to walk into the airport after getting off the plane.) The air is heavier and you can feel that you are near the ocean because of its quality. It’s not humid- that’s definitely not the word for it. It’s more like little particles of the ocean linger in the air as to always remind you by its texture and smell that you are in the unique and beautiful city of Cape Town. That’s what I was greeted by as I walked off the plane and it was so familiar and comfortable. The feeling that I got upon my arrival this time was much different than the other times. It didn’t feel like the excitement of being on holiday in a place that I love, it felt like the comfort of being somewhere so familiar after working my butt off to get here for so long. I knew exactly where I was going. I recognized my environment completely and I found myself giving others direction and suggestions of things to do while they are here.
Pastor Vusi bought two people to the airport with me. One person I knew and the other I did not. The girl’s name was Kate and this was my first time meeting her, but we definitely hit it off and I’m very excited to get to know her better and build a friendship. Of course she questioned me about America and how she could get there almost the entire car ride lol. The other person he bought was a guy whom I have met several times but I still cannot remember his name. It is something that is quite hard to pronounce.
Back to the housing situation- this is what happened: I am supposed to be staying at a house that belongs to a woman named Hazel, but she said my room wouldn’t be available until April 1st. So, she made arrangements for me to stay in a house right down the road from her for this month. But, when I was at the Jo’burg airport I got an email from her saying that my room is now available immediately and that I could come directly there. But, I chose to just come to this house because I knew they were expecting me. I am supposed to go meet with her tomorrow morning so we will sort everything out and I will know whether or not I’m staying here or going there. I will probably end up staying here though because I already paid a portion of my monthly charge.
It’s weird because I am tired, but at the same time I’m too uneasy to sleep. I am anxious for tomorrow so that I can sort out my living situation and start to unpack and stuff. Im also going to buy a little prepaid cell phone so that I can keep in touch with Pastor Vusi and the rest of South Africa more easily. Like any true American I am so excited and ready to get to work at the school immediately. And like any true African Pator Vusi told me that this week I need to rest and visit and have tea and get accommodated to my new environment. He and some other people are going to come visit around 12 noon tomorrow, which in African time will probably end up being around 3. I’m sure we will have tea and maybe even a meal together too. I do not want to go grocery shopping until I know for sure that this is where I’ll be staying. I’m sure that tomorrow will be filled with lots of tea drinking and greetings in various languages. From Hazel, to Lee, to Pastor Vusi, to my beloved Mpho I have so much tea drinking to do lol. But, you know that’s one of my favorite things about this culture- the time and value placed on people coming together, having tea and conversing. Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day.
I guess the best way to describe my feeling right now is a deer in headlights. I am just in shock that this is all happening. I know what it feels like! You know when you first get the keys to your very own apartment after moving away from your parents and everyone helps you get all moved in and then that night you hug them and kiss them good bye then shut the door, walk over to a box in the least cluttered area of the tiny apartment, look around, hear the complete silence, and realize ‘Oh my God… this is where I live’. That’s how I feel except multiplied by one million. Instead of walking from the door to the box I flew across the Atlantic. And instead of moving to a tiny apartment alone I moved to the African continent, but you get my drift. Anyway, even since sitting here typing this I feel a lot better. The shock is kind of dissipating, the breeze coming through the window is a little cooler so its not as hot, and I can feel a sense of peace settling within me. I think I will be able to fall asleep after all. I’m going to read a little more of my book first though.
So I guess the point of this blog entry is: I’m here safe and sound. And, I didn’t realize this until I got to the airport, but this is the craziest thing I have ever done. I can’t wait to see where this journey is going to lead me.
Also, I feel kind of weird about leaving the window open even thought we have an electric gate around the house and there are bars on the window, but I just cant survive this heat without at least a little breeze.
The journey from the states was actually pretty smooth. The 15 hour flight to Jo’burg didn’t seem so long. It felt like maybe 8 hours. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to get a business class seat- it would have been nice, but I am just grateful that I had a seat at all. However, for some reason I was the most uncomfortable on this flight than I’ve ever been. No matter what I did I just could not get comfortable. Neither could the two girls beside me though so we kind of made a joke of it. Eventually we made it to Jo’burg and I had 3 hours to catch my next flight which was to Cape Town. I was really nervous about arriving in Cape Town because I didn’t know if Pastor Vusi would be there to pick me up. But, he was right there waiting with a big hug and even bigger smile when I came through those glass doors. I immediately felt a huge sense of ease.
I wish I could describe how different the air is here. As soon as I walked off the plane the air hit me and I began to smile. (Here you walk straight off the plane into the outside not into a tunnel that connects to the airport. You have to walk into the airport after getting off the plane.) The air is heavier and you can feel that you are near the ocean because of its quality. It’s not humid- that’s definitely not the word for it. It’s more like little particles of the ocean linger in the air as to always remind you by its texture and smell that you are in the unique and beautiful city of Cape Town. That’s what I was greeted by as I walked off the plane and it was so familiar and comfortable. The feeling that I got upon my arrival this time was much different than the other times. It didn’t feel like the excitement of being on holiday in a place that I love, it felt like the comfort of being somewhere so familiar after working my butt off to get here for so long. I knew exactly where I was going. I recognized my environment completely and I found myself giving others direction and suggestions of things to do while they are here.
Pastor Vusi bought two people to the airport with me. One person I knew and the other I did not. The girl’s name was Kate and this was my first time meeting her, but we definitely hit it off and I’m very excited to get to know her better and build a friendship. Of course she questioned me about America and how she could get there almost the entire car ride lol. The other person he bought was a guy whom I have met several times but I still cannot remember his name. It is something that is quite hard to pronounce.
Back to the housing situation- this is what happened: I am supposed to be staying at a house that belongs to a woman named Hazel, but she said my room wouldn’t be available until April 1st. So, she made arrangements for me to stay in a house right down the road from her for this month. But, when I was at the Jo’burg airport I got an email from her saying that my room is now available immediately and that I could come directly there. But, I chose to just come to this house because I knew they were expecting me. I am supposed to go meet with her tomorrow morning so we will sort everything out and I will know whether or not I’m staying here or going there. I will probably end up staying here though because I already paid a portion of my monthly charge.
It’s weird because I am tired, but at the same time I’m too uneasy to sleep. I am anxious for tomorrow so that I can sort out my living situation and start to unpack and stuff. Im also going to buy a little prepaid cell phone so that I can keep in touch with Pastor Vusi and the rest of South Africa more easily. Like any true American I am so excited and ready to get to work at the school immediately. And like any true African Pator Vusi told me that this week I need to rest and visit and have tea and get accommodated to my new environment. He and some other people are going to come visit around 12 noon tomorrow, which in African time will probably end up being around 3. I’m sure we will have tea and maybe even a meal together too. I do not want to go grocery shopping until I know for sure that this is where I’ll be staying. I’m sure that tomorrow will be filled with lots of tea drinking and greetings in various languages. From Hazel, to Lee, to Pastor Vusi, to my beloved Mpho I have so much tea drinking to do lol. But, you know that’s one of my favorite things about this culture- the time and value placed on people coming together, having tea and conversing. Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day.
I guess the best way to describe my feeling right now is a deer in headlights. I am just in shock that this is all happening. I know what it feels like! You know when you first get the keys to your very own apartment after moving away from your parents and everyone helps you get all moved in and then that night you hug them and kiss them good bye then shut the door, walk over to a box in the least cluttered area of the tiny apartment, look around, hear the complete silence, and realize ‘Oh my God… this is where I live’. That’s how I feel except multiplied by one million. Instead of walking from the door to the box I flew across the Atlantic. And instead of moving to a tiny apartment alone I moved to the African continent, but you get my drift. Anyway, even since sitting here typing this I feel a lot better. The shock is kind of dissipating, the breeze coming through the window is a little cooler so its not as hot, and I can feel a sense of peace settling within me. I think I will be able to fall asleep after all. I’m going to read a little more of my book first though.
So I guess the point of this blog entry is: I’m here safe and sound. And, I didn’t realize this until I got to the airport, but this is the craziest thing I have ever done. I can’t wait to see where this journey is going to lead me.
Also, I feel kind of weird about leaving the window open even thought we have an electric gate around the house and there are bars on the window, but I just cant survive this heat without at least a little breeze.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Ultimate Goal is Love
Wow, I haven't written since 2008. That sounds like so much longer than it feels... if that makes sense. I didn't blog the entire time I was in South Africa in 2009 because my internet access was pretty much nonexistent, which is a shame because that trip was absolutely life changing.
So! What brings me back to blogging after so long?? Well, as you probably already know I am returning to South Africa for the adventure of a lifetime in just a few days... 3 to be exact. In the midst of packing and making all the preparations for my trip I realize that I am going through a major shift in so many aspects of my life. I can especially feel it in my spirit. Just the mere preparation for this trip has been a long journey and a major growing experience. I have never felt like such a failure and such a success at the same time. I've never felt so close to truth, but still felt like such a liar. I've never been so sure about something while not believing it at all. All of my "stuff" my issues, my challenges, my rusty points came to a head during this last 6 months on fundraising and preparing to spend an extended period of time half half way across the world alone. Spiritually this has been a very strengthening experience. Like, I feel very close to God. But at the same time it has brought up so many questions.
I set out on this quest because I believe God ordained it for me. I believe that this is just the beginning of the master plan He has set out for my life. As exciting as that is, it was also a very scary realization because there were so many times I wanted to give up, but every time I would think about the kids and think about how much bigger this all is than me I would realize how selfish I was being and keep pressing on. Now let me be frank, things definitely did not turn out the way I expected and that was REALLY hard for me to digest. You see, i never actually heard a voice speak to me or anything, but... One day during the Simon's Branch Missions trip to South Africa in 2009 I was doing drama work with the children outside of a school building. They were all in a circle around me and I was in the middle giving instructions. Then there was a moment, like a brief moment where time seemed to sort of slow down and I heard a whisper coming from my Inner Self, the Holy Spirit, God or whatever term you prefer that said "this is what you are supposed to be doing". In that moment I felt very alive and very safe. It was almost surreal. And that when I realized that I would definitely be coming back to work with these children. I immediately made a promise to myself that I would follow my heart and no matter what happened when I got back to the states I would stick to this commitment. As I thought more and more about it and began to really pray and seek guidance from God I realized that there was no way I could make this happen on my own, so I decided right then and there to totally and completely put this all in God's hands. I have NEVER done that with ANYTHING. I am a total control freak and have major issues with trust so even though throughout my life I would say that I was putting something in God's hands that just meant I was half praying about it and half depending on my own human ability to get the thing done. This time was different though. No the hard thing is that I didnt get a lot of the things that I was believing God for, but I believe that it will come according to His time, not mine, and according to His will.
I'm going to be very honest and admit how hard it is to use certain words and phrases in this blog in fear of being misunderstood. For example words such as "God" and "His" and "His will". Anyone who knows me knows how deep of a personal relationship I have with God but my beliefs are quite different than most of my family and friends. I choose to use the word "God" when speaking of The Divine because its what i'm used to and what i'm comfortable with. However, number one, I believe that all other names for The Divine are just as appropriate and worthy of respect. Number two, I do not believe God to be a far out there man-spirit-thing who lives way up in the sky, sits on a throne, and makes rules that you must follow or else you will die the end. I believe that God is a divine manifestation of love that lives inside and all around us and that we all have access to him if we just take the time to listen. I believe God gave us rules not because He's a big mean angry man who likes to punish us, but because He loves us and wants to spare us some of the pain we will encounter if we do not follow His commandments. Most importantly fin my opinion God is love. He lives right inside of us and we dont have to reach outside of ourselves into the heavens to find Him. His spirit lives in us and will guide us and comfort us if we are just quite enough to listen to it. Sidenote: I us the pronoun "He" because its what Im used to and it doesnt make me uncomfortable. However I have no objections to people using other pronouns when referring to God.
WOW! Talk about going off on a tangent! I have no idea where that all came from lol. But it really relates to this trip because although I am going primarily to do drama work with the children, I also want to share my light and love that I have experienced through my personal relationship with God with them. I want them to be able to come to know and love God in a healthy and positive way. I'm not saying i am going to force them to all listen to me rant about religion or anything, but given the chance I would like to pass my light on to them as well.
So, moving on... I have just started packing today. I am about half way done. I know I am wayyyyy over packing but its hard to know what to bring. Im going to be living in the city but working in the township so I feel like I need to bring appropriate clothes for both. Also, I will be there for a year so I feel the need to pack for all the seasons too. I dunno, im hoping that I can just fit everything into one big suitcase because this is definitely not a fashion show, its a missions trip. This time is so scary because I have no idea what its going to be like. I literally have absolutely no idea what to expect. I'm so afraid that im going to get there and be completely bored and frustrated because everything is unorganized and I feel like im wasting my time and had too high hopes. But im praying that that wont happen lol. Hopefully thats just my cold feet talking. I'm hoping that I that I am able to create a great program for these kids and really help them aim for brighter futures. And if nothing else I hope to be to them what Freddie was to us: someone who is a reminder that they are loved, beautiful, talented, and just bombs of greatness ready to explode. I hope to make this kids smile. I hope that during the short time that I am with them each day I can get their minds off of the sickness and poverty that dominates their lives and give them the opportunity to create something that makes them feel good about themselves.
My ultimate goal: love. For the next year (or however long i am there) I plan to love as completely, as unconditionally, and as fully as I possibly can. Not only the children although they come first, but also myself and everyone I meet. I plan to exercise truth to the best of my ability. I plan on asking for exactly what I want in all situations without letting fear get in the way. I plan on honoring my feelings at all times and nurturing my True Self so that I can grow into all that God has for me to be.
Yes, I am scared, but im also very at peace. I know that no matter what everything will be okay and this experience is one huge lesson that I cannot miss out on learning.
I am also extremely excited!! I'm so ready for a fresh start. I'm so ready to be doing good in the world again and to be around children everyday. And of course i'm ecstatic about being in my favorite place in the world again!! I CAN NOT WAIT to be back in Cape Town. I am so freakin in love with that place and all it represents for me. And of course even thought of getting to see Mpho again brings tears to my eyes.
I have so much more to say, but im being distracted right now so I'm going to go and write more tomorrow. Thank you for reading.
Love and Light,
-me
So! What brings me back to blogging after so long?? Well, as you probably already know I am returning to South Africa for the adventure of a lifetime in just a few days... 3 to be exact. In the midst of packing and making all the preparations for my trip I realize that I am going through a major shift in so many aspects of my life. I can especially feel it in my spirit. Just the mere preparation for this trip has been a long journey and a major growing experience. I have never felt like such a failure and such a success at the same time. I've never felt so close to truth, but still felt like such a liar. I've never been so sure about something while not believing it at all. All of my "stuff" my issues, my challenges, my rusty points came to a head during this last 6 months on fundraising and preparing to spend an extended period of time half half way across the world alone. Spiritually this has been a very strengthening experience. Like, I feel very close to God. But at the same time it has brought up so many questions.
I set out on this quest because I believe God ordained it for me. I believe that this is just the beginning of the master plan He has set out for my life. As exciting as that is, it was also a very scary realization because there were so many times I wanted to give up, but every time I would think about the kids and think about how much bigger this all is than me I would realize how selfish I was being and keep pressing on. Now let me be frank, things definitely did not turn out the way I expected and that was REALLY hard for me to digest. You see, i never actually heard a voice speak to me or anything, but... One day during the Simon's Branch Missions trip to South Africa in 2009 I was doing drama work with the children outside of a school building. They were all in a circle around me and I was in the middle giving instructions. Then there was a moment, like a brief moment where time seemed to sort of slow down and I heard a whisper coming from my Inner Self, the Holy Spirit, God or whatever term you prefer that said "this is what you are supposed to be doing". In that moment I felt very alive and very safe. It was almost surreal. And that when I realized that I would definitely be coming back to work with these children. I immediately made a promise to myself that I would follow my heart and no matter what happened when I got back to the states I would stick to this commitment. As I thought more and more about it and began to really pray and seek guidance from God I realized that there was no way I could make this happen on my own, so I decided right then and there to totally and completely put this all in God's hands. I have NEVER done that with ANYTHING. I am a total control freak and have major issues with trust so even though throughout my life I would say that I was putting something in God's hands that just meant I was half praying about it and half depending on my own human ability to get the thing done. This time was different though. No the hard thing is that I didnt get a lot of the things that I was believing God for, but I believe that it will come according to His time, not mine, and according to His will.
I'm going to be very honest and admit how hard it is to use certain words and phrases in this blog in fear of being misunderstood. For example words such as "God" and "His" and "His will". Anyone who knows me knows how deep of a personal relationship I have with God but my beliefs are quite different than most of my family and friends. I choose to use the word "God" when speaking of The Divine because its what i'm used to and what i'm comfortable with. However, number one, I believe that all other names for The Divine are just as appropriate and worthy of respect. Number two, I do not believe God to be a far out there man-spirit-thing who lives way up in the sky, sits on a throne, and makes rules that you must follow or else you will die the end. I believe that God is a divine manifestation of love that lives inside and all around us and that we all have access to him if we just take the time to listen. I believe God gave us rules not because He's a big mean angry man who likes to punish us, but because He loves us and wants to spare us some of the pain we will encounter if we do not follow His commandments. Most importantly fin my opinion God is love. He lives right inside of us and we dont have to reach outside of ourselves into the heavens to find Him. His spirit lives in us and will guide us and comfort us if we are just quite enough to listen to it. Sidenote: I us the pronoun "He" because its what Im used to and it doesnt make me uncomfortable. However I have no objections to people using other pronouns when referring to God.
WOW! Talk about going off on a tangent! I have no idea where that all came from lol. But it really relates to this trip because although I am going primarily to do drama work with the children, I also want to share my light and love that I have experienced through my personal relationship with God with them. I want them to be able to come to know and love God in a healthy and positive way. I'm not saying i am going to force them to all listen to me rant about religion or anything, but given the chance I would like to pass my light on to them as well.
So, moving on... I have just started packing today. I am about half way done. I know I am wayyyyy over packing but its hard to know what to bring. Im going to be living in the city but working in the township so I feel like I need to bring appropriate clothes for both. Also, I will be there for a year so I feel the need to pack for all the seasons too. I dunno, im hoping that I can just fit everything into one big suitcase because this is definitely not a fashion show, its a missions trip. This time is so scary because I have no idea what its going to be like. I literally have absolutely no idea what to expect. I'm so afraid that im going to get there and be completely bored and frustrated because everything is unorganized and I feel like im wasting my time and had too high hopes. But im praying that that wont happen lol. Hopefully thats just my cold feet talking. I'm hoping that I that I am able to create a great program for these kids and really help them aim for brighter futures. And if nothing else I hope to be to them what Freddie was to us: someone who is a reminder that they are loved, beautiful, talented, and just bombs of greatness ready to explode. I hope to make this kids smile. I hope that during the short time that I am with them each day I can get their minds off of the sickness and poverty that dominates their lives and give them the opportunity to create something that makes them feel good about themselves.
My ultimate goal: love. For the next year (or however long i am there) I plan to love as completely, as unconditionally, and as fully as I possibly can. Not only the children although they come first, but also myself and everyone I meet. I plan to exercise truth to the best of my ability. I plan on asking for exactly what I want in all situations without letting fear get in the way. I plan on honoring my feelings at all times and nurturing my True Self so that I can grow into all that God has for me to be.
Yes, I am scared, but im also very at peace. I know that no matter what everything will be okay and this experience is one huge lesson that I cannot miss out on learning.
I am also extremely excited!! I'm so ready for a fresh start. I'm so ready to be doing good in the world again and to be around children everyday. And of course i'm ecstatic about being in my favorite place in the world again!! I CAN NOT WAIT to be back in Cape Town. I am so freakin in love with that place and all it represents for me. And of course even thought of getting to see Mpho again brings tears to my eyes.
I have so much more to say, but im being distracted right now so I'm going to go and write more tomorrow. Thank you for reading.
Love and Light,
-me
Monday, October 27, 2008
"what does it say about your life when everyday is the best day of your life?"
My roomate asked me this question at about 9 in the morning when we spontaneously decided to take off our clothes and jump into the Indian Ocean off the Wild Coast in Eastern Cape, South Africa. We were playing in the water and I looked out at the waves and felt how nice the water felt against my skin and saw how the sun glittered against the clear blue and said "This is the best day of my life!" Alex then looks over at me and says, "What does it say about your life when everyday is the best day of your life?" I thought back and realized that I make that same exlamation (This is the best day of my life!) very often here, almost everyday. Days just get better and better, so yes, everyday is the best day of my life. What does that say about my life? Than I am extremely blessed.
As usual I havent blogged in forever, and I doubt if anyone even reads these things anymore. Mpho always jokes to me and says "out of sight, out of mind". I complain about how my roomates talk to thier families all the time and their parents call them almost everyday and stuff and she says that everyone has probably just forgotten about me; out of sight, out of mind. but its just a joke. Im different than my roomates anyways. Im very independent and even when I'm in the states I dont talk to or see my family much. Im pretty used to it actually. Its good because I think thats why I dont get homesick or get really upset because I miss my family so much or anything like a lot of my roomates do. Being away is just something that im used to. Even before I left for school I was never really home. Im always on the run somewhere. Thats just my personality. And I dont really know where I would get homesick for. I dont really know where "home" for me is. I dont really think about "home" as a place because I've moved around so much. I think of Atlanta as home because I spent most of my life that I remember there, but I think of home more as a feeling. I guess "home" for me is the feeling I get when I'm around my family and I havent seen them in a while. I feel at "home" when mommy does motherly things for me like cook and stuff when Ive been away at school for a long time. I feel at "home" when I listen to Kiara and Kaprisha argue when I go to my dad's. I feel at "home" when my YEA friends and I are all chillin somewhere laughing at like 3 in the morning. I feel at "home" when Tasha, Danielle, Laurita and I are actually all in the same space for once and Tasha is yelling and cursing everybody out lol, and we're all telling stories and talking about the past. All these things happen in Atlanta so I guess Atlanta is home. Its familiar. I have memories there. Home is a place that I have memories from long long ago I guess. I guess thats why I dont feel at home in philly even though I live there. I think of philly as a place where I live temporarily until I go back home or elsewhere...... but the wierd thing is I feel so "at home" here in Cape Town.
I just got back from a crazy road trip to the Transkei on Saturday. Three of my roomates and I drove across the Souther part of the country to the Wild Coast. There is a place in the Wild Coast called Bulungula. That was our final destination. It took over 16 hours to get there! I usually hate long road trips like that, but I actually really enjoyed this one. There was so much to look at. We drove through every kind of enviornment you can ever think of. I took lots of pics. We drove through mountainous regions, plateau, jungle, desert, etc etc. I couldnt sleep much on the trip because I couldnt stop looking out of the window. I didnt want to miss anything! Cape Townians call the area of the Eastern Cape we drove through the "homelands". Imnot positive, but I'm pretty sure its because that is where the Xhosa people (the prodominat black culture in Cape Town) originated. I think the "homelands" is a perfect name for it because if we've decided that home is a place where you have memories from long long ago, then the homeland is definately that, home land. In Bulungula particularly, people live the way they lived long ago. The land is completely unspoilt. The people have not been too strongly corrupted by western culture. It was like living on a huge African farm. Number one, there were animals EVERYWHERE, but ill get back to that in a min. Number two, the people live completely off the land. There are no cars or tvs or anything like that. There are no paved roads or stores. There are just huts, the river, the animals, the ocean, the forest, and the people.There was very little electricity. We lit everything by candle light. The people of the village cook over a fire. They didnt have stoves or microwaves or anything. I did a lot of peeing in the bush. The lodge we stayed in actually had toilets, probably because they know tourists come through a lot. But, to get to the toilets you had to walk outside no matter how dark it was or how many ANIMALS followed you there, and pee. The toilets also didnt flush. I forget what they call these kind of toilets, but you pee in the front section and poop in the back. If you poop yu take two cups of soil and put it over your deposit and close the lid... the end.
There was also a hut that had showers in it at the lodge we were staying in. The people of the village dont have bathrooms so they obviously dont have showers. It took me a while to understand this, but people: toilets and showers are a luxury, not a neccessity. The showers in the bathing hut were what they called rocket showers. They had running water (also a luxury, not a neccessity) but you had to pour parrafin into this little compartment in the pipe and then put a little piece of toilet paper on top. You then light the toilet paper on fire and its starts a small fire in the pipe which warms the water for your shower. That gives you about 7 minutes of hot water so showering was done very quickly!
Now, for the most important aspect of this trip. Let me just say that I expected this trip to be just that, a light hearted, fun filled trip. I didnt expect anything deep or anything. BUT this was much more that a trip... it was an experience and a life lesson! Ican not even begin to explain to you how much I grew from this experience. Anyone that knows me knows how afraid of animals I am and how it has followed me for as long as I remember. I have been getting a lot better though since Ive been here. BUT, PEOPLE THERE WERE ANIMALS EVERYWHERE!! All kinds of animals! In order to walk from our hut to the hut with the bathrooms I would usually encounter horse, goat, lots and lots of cows and usually a dog or two. I mean, not far away from me either. They wuld be right outside of our hut, like a lot of times only a few feet away from me. And they are free roaming animals. Its not like there was an owner to tell them to come away from you or anything, they were just there. And they are hurd animals so it wasnt just a goat and a cow. It wasy like 5 goats and 5 cows. The dogs, especially this one, just follow you. They dont have owners so they just see a person and follow. I cant really explain this animal thing n words. Im gunna have to find a way to post pictures on here, but Im telling you.... they were everywhere. It was ssssoooooo scary. But, it was exactly what I needed. Ive finally reached a place where I can feel scared, but breathe, center myself, and control my reaction the thing that is causing me fear. I did a lot of that this week!! The old me would have just stayed in my hut all week and cry. But the new me was way different!! I not only pet a horse, but I rode one!! I rode a horse on the beach and through the village. I pet a dog and took walks with plent of them following right at our feet. I pet a cat (cats are my least favorite for those of you who dont know). I walked to and from the places through herds of cows and goats. I ate lunch out on a mat where within about 10 feet of us there were about 5 dogs, 2 roosters, a bunch of chickens and chicks, and cows eating grass in the area a little further away. Its one of those situations where while its happening it you want to disappear, but once you look back on the situation you are so glad you did it. I worked so hard everyday to face my fear and learn to overcome it. I know my fear of animals seems trivial to most people, but its a huge thing for me and something Ive been trying to overcome for years. So, being able to say I did all those things is a huge milestone for me. Im so proud of myself! Its a little sad because Ive always though that if I just faced the fear and let whatever happens happen, then it would go away and I wouldnt ever be afraid of animals ever again. But, the truth is I think that everytime I see an animal Im always going to feel that fear rise inside me. The thing that I have to work on is how to control it. Im going to feel afraid. I just cannot let the fear take control and consume me. I have to stay in control. I have to just breathe and stay in control. So, that was a huge lesson learned and I am so greatful for that experience!
We did a lot of cool activities while we were there too. We spent a few hours with this woman named Nulisile. She took us through a day in the life of a woman in the village. She put stone on our faces to protect our skin from the sun and wraped our hair. We then we went down to the river and filled buckets with water. We carried the water back on out heads. It was so hard. The hardest part was trying to balance the water while walking up hill. Bulungula is full of gorgeous green hills. Once we finally got the water back to the hut we spent a little time making mud bricks for a new hut they are building. Then we went into the garden and picked spinach. Oh, and she gave us each a little lettuce to taste. It was kind of wierd because she just ripped it straight out of the ground and put it in her mouth and told us to do the same. But, my goodness, this lettuce was so delicious. I didnt know that lettuce could be delicious. I didnt know it could taste like anything! It tasted so fresh and crisp! Anyways, so we picked spinach then took it inside and washed it with some of the water we had goten from the river. We also had to grind maize... ive never felt more american than that moment lol! it was so hard!!! The corn was flying everywhere and I kept slamming the rock down onto my pinky fingers. The mama kept saying its easy its easy, but i was struuuuuglin!! After that we walked down to this forest and the the Mama turned into the hulk!! lol, i promise! She told us to fetch some wood for the fire. So we started picking up sticks off the ground, then all of a sudden, I turn around and see her ripping a little tree in half with her bare hands!!! She was breaking these huge logs and ripping these huge branches of the trees! I was in shock. I just stood there in amazement. I mean, one minute she is snapping a log in half with her knee, the next she is looking back at me with the most tender loving smile a mother can give. These women are absolutely remarkable. By the way, heres a random little bit of info. Here, when you refer to an woman older than you, old enough to be you your mother you call her mama. You call older men papa, girls your age or close to your age sisi (sister) and guys your age or close to you age bhuti (brother). It's the whole "it takes a village to raise a child" thing and also relates to the whole idea of ubuntu. Its like a sign of care and respect. Now that I think about it i never hear people refer to white people as mama or any of those. I think its because the whole family idea comes from the fact that we all come from the same ancestry. I dunno, but basically that is why we called Nolisile Mama instead of her real name or Ms. Nolisile or any of that. Anyways, so after she finished ripping tres apart and we finished picking up little twigs off the ground we went to the front of the forest. She ripped little pieces of bark off of this little green tree and used that as rope. We rapped the sticks into bundles wih the rope and carried the bundles back to the hut on our heads.
When we came back from the forest we washed the spinach in a bin with the water we got from the river. Then she got a little black pot and put the spinach, some water, some of the maize we ground, sugar, and salt. We went to the back of the house and into this little minature hut where the cooking is done. We started a fire with the sticks we had picked from the forest and cooked the meal for about ten minutes. It turned out to be delicious! The mama was cute. She set up a little table for us with chairs for all of us to eat at. At first she was trying to make sure we ate as much as we wanted before serving her real famly, probably because we paid for this little activity. But, we insisted that the other people be seved as well. The kids were so happy and smiled as they stuffed their faces. One little girl, I cant remember her name, but she was my favorite, was so excited. She was so beautiful and kept hugging me and smiling at me. I wished I could speak her language so badly. She looked like she was about 6 years old. She had a really low harcut like lots of girls here, a little boy cut. She was realy skinny and had on a little skirt and a sweater with holes on the shoulders. I love her so much and wish I could of taken her home with me.
So, that was the "Woman Power" activity. The other activities we did were horseback riding and an herbalist tour. All the activities were ran by the people of the village. Thats a big part of why we went there. Instead of continuing to invest our money into rich white-ran business we decided to go to bulungula because all of the money we spent goes directly to the lesser privilaged people of the commmunity.
Horseback riding was absolutely terrifying. There were a few moment when I looked out at the ocean and the landscape and just enjoyed the scenery. But, for most of the two hour ride I was either terrified of falling off, frustrated that my horse wouldnt listen to me, or freaked out by all the horses I was surrounded by. But, I have to say I am very happy that I did it. I did it and I survived. There was no need to be afraid.
The last activity that where did was the tour of the forest with the herbalist. The herbalist is highly respected in the community. It is believed that he spirits speak to him and guide him to the certain plants that he uses for medicine. Most of the medicine is bark from trees. He gave us a lot of free medicine. We got medicine for luck, love, shoulder pain, leg pain, protection, gas, toothaches, hiccups and more. Mom, I dont know if you will think this is wierd but as a souvineer I got you some medicine from the forest. Learning about all the medicines and about how the spirits work was really cool, but it was also really nice just to walk through the forest. I dont think ive ever done that before. It was so peacful. I liked it a lot.
Did I mention that in order to get to Bulungula we had to drive down a dirt road filled with pot holes and huge rocks in the foggy, rainy, pitch black night? Well, we did.
So, that was my road trip experience in a nutshell. That is definately one week of my life that I will never forget. We got back to Cape Town on Saturday and I was so shocked at how happy I was to be home. It's crazy how much I love Cape Town. It just feels like home. I always knew I loved South Africa, but I didnt truely discover my love for the city of Cape Town until I left it for a week. I love this city so much!
The night we got back we all went out to Long Street and had a really crazy night. I cant believe Ive never explained long street on here. Long Street is literally a long street full of awesome clubs and bars. Ou favorite club to go to on Long Street is Jo'burg. Saturday night Alex and I started a a club called Mercury then met everyone else on long street at a bar called The Waiting Room. Then of course, we finished at Jo'burg. It was a lot of fun.
We still had our rental car (whom we named Uncle Al) the next day so we drove to Camps Bay to the beach. Its a gorgeous beach. Camps Bay is a high end part of town that we hadnt really been to yet, so we allowed ourselves to splurge and had lunh at a nice restaurant over looking the beach. I had rissoto with prawns, mussles, and hake. It was so delicious. That night we ate at a restaurant called Beluga because they had a R99 sushi special and half price cocktails. Me, Jamal, Alex, and Olga went.
Well, that was my week! It was very eventful. Today I am staying in and studying for my drama exam on Thursday. Mpho comes home today to. She went back to Limpopo for a few days because her uncle passed away. She left on Saturday and will be back today. Im excited because I havent seen her in like a week and a half. Also, MY BIRHDAY IS THIS WEEKEND!!! Im so excited! only 5 more days! I think this birthday is going to be really fun. Im having this huge birthday bash at this club called Cybar in Rodebosch. One of my friends, Vuyoo, booked the VIP area for me and 30 guests. It will be really nice because I will get to celebrate my birthday and have a last big night with all of my friends before i have to head back to the states and be a responsible adult again. Saturday is my party, but Sunday is my actual birthday. So, on Sunday my roomies have something planned for me. They wont tell me what it is, but Im sure it is probably something fun.
i cant believe we leave in three weeks. Its really unbelievable. Im doing my best not to worry and Im actually doing a really good job. Usually by now I would be having panic attacks from stress. But, Im going home with no money, with no place to live when I get there and no money to get a new place, no money to buy plane tickets to visit my family and friends, but hey, Im going back with a great experience and I wouldnt take it back for the world.
Im suppossed to go to Namibia on the 8th. I really really really want to go. It suppossed to be absolutely beautiful there. They have the biggest sand dunes in the world. But, Im really running out of money so I dont know if Ill be able to afford it. So! If my lovely family wants to give me a birthdya present please give me money so I can go to Namibia. The rand is at 11.3 to the dollar so I really only need like $200 more dollars. Thatll be enough to buy my bus ticket plus have some extra to spend.
I feel like the next time I blog will probably be right before I leave for home judging by my track record. So until then, Cheers! See you in a few wekks!
As usual I havent blogged in forever, and I doubt if anyone even reads these things anymore. Mpho always jokes to me and says "out of sight, out of mind". I complain about how my roomates talk to thier families all the time and their parents call them almost everyday and stuff and she says that everyone has probably just forgotten about me; out of sight, out of mind. but its just a joke. Im different than my roomates anyways. Im very independent and even when I'm in the states I dont talk to or see my family much. Im pretty used to it actually. Its good because I think thats why I dont get homesick or get really upset because I miss my family so much or anything like a lot of my roomates do. Being away is just something that im used to. Even before I left for school I was never really home. Im always on the run somewhere. Thats just my personality. And I dont really know where I would get homesick for. I dont really know where "home" for me is. I dont really think about "home" as a place because I've moved around so much. I think of Atlanta as home because I spent most of my life that I remember there, but I think of home more as a feeling. I guess "home" for me is the feeling I get when I'm around my family and I havent seen them in a while. I feel at "home" when mommy does motherly things for me like cook and stuff when Ive been away at school for a long time. I feel at "home" when I listen to Kiara and Kaprisha argue when I go to my dad's. I feel at "home" when my YEA friends and I are all chillin somewhere laughing at like 3 in the morning. I feel at "home" when Tasha, Danielle, Laurita and I are actually all in the same space for once and Tasha is yelling and cursing everybody out lol, and we're all telling stories and talking about the past. All these things happen in Atlanta so I guess Atlanta is home. Its familiar. I have memories there. Home is a place that I have memories from long long ago I guess. I guess thats why I dont feel at home in philly even though I live there. I think of philly as a place where I live temporarily until I go back home or elsewhere...... but the wierd thing is I feel so "at home" here in Cape Town.
I just got back from a crazy road trip to the Transkei on Saturday. Three of my roomates and I drove across the Souther part of the country to the Wild Coast. There is a place in the Wild Coast called Bulungula. That was our final destination. It took over 16 hours to get there! I usually hate long road trips like that, but I actually really enjoyed this one. There was so much to look at. We drove through every kind of enviornment you can ever think of. I took lots of pics. We drove through mountainous regions, plateau, jungle, desert, etc etc. I couldnt sleep much on the trip because I couldnt stop looking out of the window. I didnt want to miss anything! Cape Townians call the area of the Eastern Cape we drove through the "homelands". Imnot positive, but I'm pretty sure its because that is where the Xhosa people (the prodominat black culture in Cape Town) originated. I think the "homelands" is a perfect name for it because if we've decided that home is a place where you have memories from long long ago, then the homeland is definately that, home land. In Bulungula particularly, people live the way they lived long ago. The land is completely unspoilt. The people have not been too strongly corrupted by western culture. It was like living on a huge African farm. Number one, there were animals EVERYWHERE, but ill get back to that in a min. Number two, the people live completely off the land. There are no cars or tvs or anything like that. There are no paved roads or stores. There are just huts, the river, the animals, the ocean, the forest, and the people.There was very little electricity. We lit everything by candle light. The people of the village cook over a fire. They didnt have stoves or microwaves or anything. I did a lot of peeing in the bush. The lodge we stayed in actually had toilets, probably because they know tourists come through a lot. But, to get to the toilets you had to walk outside no matter how dark it was or how many ANIMALS followed you there, and pee. The toilets also didnt flush. I forget what they call these kind of toilets, but you pee in the front section and poop in the back. If you poop yu take two cups of soil and put it over your deposit and close the lid... the end.
There was also a hut that had showers in it at the lodge we were staying in. The people of the village dont have bathrooms so they obviously dont have showers. It took me a while to understand this, but people: toilets and showers are a luxury, not a neccessity. The showers in the bathing hut were what they called rocket showers. They had running water (also a luxury, not a neccessity) but you had to pour parrafin into this little compartment in the pipe and then put a little piece of toilet paper on top. You then light the toilet paper on fire and its starts a small fire in the pipe which warms the water for your shower. That gives you about 7 minutes of hot water so showering was done very quickly!
Now, for the most important aspect of this trip. Let me just say that I expected this trip to be just that, a light hearted, fun filled trip. I didnt expect anything deep or anything. BUT this was much more that a trip... it was an experience and a life lesson! Ican not even begin to explain to you how much I grew from this experience. Anyone that knows me knows how afraid of animals I am and how it has followed me for as long as I remember. I have been getting a lot better though since Ive been here. BUT, PEOPLE THERE WERE ANIMALS EVERYWHERE!! All kinds of animals! In order to walk from our hut to the hut with the bathrooms I would usually encounter horse, goat, lots and lots of cows and usually a dog or two. I mean, not far away from me either. They wuld be right outside of our hut, like a lot of times only a few feet away from me. And they are free roaming animals. Its not like there was an owner to tell them to come away from you or anything, they were just there. And they are hurd animals so it wasnt just a goat and a cow. It wasy like 5 goats and 5 cows. The dogs, especially this one, just follow you. They dont have owners so they just see a person and follow. I cant really explain this animal thing n words. Im gunna have to find a way to post pictures on here, but Im telling you.... they were everywhere. It was ssssoooooo scary. But, it was exactly what I needed. Ive finally reached a place where I can feel scared, but breathe, center myself, and control my reaction the thing that is causing me fear. I did a lot of that this week!! The old me would have just stayed in my hut all week and cry. But the new me was way different!! I not only pet a horse, but I rode one!! I rode a horse on the beach and through the village. I pet a dog and took walks with plent of them following right at our feet. I pet a cat (cats are my least favorite for those of you who dont know). I walked to and from the places through herds of cows and goats. I ate lunch out on a mat where within about 10 feet of us there were about 5 dogs, 2 roosters, a bunch of chickens and chicks, and cows eating grass in the area a little further away. Its one of those situations where while its happening it you want to disappear, but once you look back on the situation you are so glad you did it. I worked so hard everyday to face my fear and learn to overcome it. I know my fear of animals seems trivial to most people, but its a huge thing for me and something Ive been trying to overcome for years. So, being able to say I did all those things is a huge milestone for me. Im so proud of myself! Its a little sad because Ive always though that if I just faced the fear and let whatever happens happen, then it would go away and I wouldnt ever be afraid of animals ever again. But, the truth is I think that everytime I see an animal Im always going to feel that fear rise inside me. The thing that I have to work on is how to control it. Im going to feel afraid. I just cannot let the fear take control and consume me. I have to stay in control. I have to just breathe and stay in control. So, that was a huge lesson learned and I am so greatful for that experience!
We did a lot of cool activities while we were there too. We spent a few hours with this woman named Nulisile. She took us through a day in the life of a woman in the village. She put stone on our faces to protect our skin from the sun and wraped our hair. We then we went down to the river and filled buckets with water. We carried the water back on out heads. It was so hard. The hardest part was trying to balance the water while walking up hill. Bulungula is full of gorgeous green hills. Once we finally got the water back to the hut we spent a little time making mud bricks for a new hut they are building. Then we went into the garden and picked spinach. Oh, and she gave us each a little lettuce to taste. It was kind of wierd because she just ripped it straight out of the ground and put it in her mouth and told us to do the same. But, my goodness, this lettuce was so delicious. I didnt know that lettuce could be delicious. I didnt know it could taste like anything! It tasted so fresh and crisp! Anyways, so we picked spinach then took it inside and washed it with some of the water we had goten from the river. We also had to grind maize... ive never felt more american than that moment lol! it was so hard!!! The corn was flying everywhere and I kept slamming the rock down onto my pinky fingers. The mama kept saying its easy its easy, but i was struuuuuglin!! After that we walked down to this forest and the the Mama turned into the hulk!! lol, i promise! She told us to fetch some wood for the fire. So we started picking up sticks off the ground, then all of a sudden, I turn around and see her ripping a little tree in half with her bare hands!!! She was breaking these huge logs and ripping these huge branches of the trees! I was in shock. I just stood there in amazement. I mean, one minute she is snapping a log in half with her knee, the next she is looking back at me with the most tender loving smile a mother can give. These women are absolutely remarkable. By the way, heres a random little bit of info. Here, when you refer to an woman older than you, old enough to be you your mother you call her mama. You call older men papa, girls your age or close to your age sisi (sister) and guys your age or close to you age bhuti (brother). It's the whole "it takes a village to raise a child" thing and also relates to the whole idea of ubuntu. Its like a sign of care and respect. Now that I think about it i never hear people refer to white people as mama or any of those. I think its because the whole family idea comes from the fact that we all come from the same ancestry. I dunno, but basically that is why we called Nolisile Mama instead of her real name or Ms. Nolisile or any of that. Anyways, so after she finished ripping tres apart and we finished picking up little twigs off the ground we went to the front of the forest. She ripped little pieces of bark off of this little green tree and used that as rope. We rapped the sticks into bundles wih the rope and carried the bundles back to the hut on our heads.
When we came back from the forest we washed the spinach in a bin with the water we got from the river. Then she got a little black pot and put the spinach, some water, some of the maize we ground, sugar, and salt. We went to the back of the house and into this little minature hut where the cooking is done. We started a fire with the sticks we had picked from the forest and cooked the meal for about ten minutes. It turned out to be delicious! The mama was cute. She set up a little table for us with chairs for all of us to eat at. At first she was trying to make sure we ate as much as we wanted before serving her real famly, probably because we paid for this little activity. But, we insisted that the other people be seved as well. The kids were so happy and smiled as they stuffed their faces. One little girl, I cant remember her name, but she was my favorite, was so excited. She was so beautiful and kept hugging me and smiling at me. I wished I could speak her language so badly. She looked like she was about 6 years old. She had a really low harcut like lots of girls here, a little boy cut. She was realy skinny and had on a little skirt and a sweater with holes on the shoulders. I love her so much and wish I could of taken her home with me.
So, that was the "Woman Power" activity. The other activities we did were horseback riding and an herbalist tour. All the activities were ran by the people of the village. Thats a big part of why we went there. Instead of continuing to invest our money into rich white-ran business we decided to go to bulungula because all of the money we spent goes directly to the lesser privilaged people of the commmunity.
Horseback riding was absolutely terrifying. There were a few moment when I looked out at the ocean and the landscape and just enjoyed the scenery. But, for most of the two hour ride I was either terrified of falling off, frustrated that my horse wouldnt listen to me, or freaked out by all the horses I was surrounded by. But, I have to say I am very happy that I did it. I did it and I survived. There was no need to be afraid.
The last activity that where did was the tour of the forest with the herbalist. The herbalist is highly respected in the community. It is believed that he spirits speak to him and guide him to the certain plants that he uses for medicine. Most of the medicine is bark from trees. He gave us a lot of free medicine. We got medicine for luck, love, shoulder pain, leg pain, protection, gas, toothaches, hiccups and more. Mom, I dont know if you will think this is wierd but as a souvineer I got you some medicine from the forest. Learning about all the medicines and about how the spirits work was really cool, but it was also really nice just to walk through the forest. I dont think ive ever done that before. It was so peacful. I liked it a lot.
Did I mention that in order to get to Bulungula we had to drive down a dirt road filled with pot holes and huge rocks in the foggy, rainy, pitch black night? Well, we did.
So, that was my road trip experience in a nutshell. That is definately one week of my life that I will never forget. We got back to Cape Town on Saturday and I was so shocked at how happy I was to be home. It's crazy how much I love Cape Town. It just feels like home. I always knew I loved South Africa, but I didnt truely discover my love for the city of Cape Town until I left it for a week. I love this city so much!
The night we got back we all went out to Long Street and had a really crazy night. I cant believe Ive never explained long street on here. Long Street is literally a long street full of awesome clubs and bars. Ou favorite club to go to on Long Street is Jo'burg. Saturday night Alex and I started a a club called Mercury then met everyone else on long street at a bar called The Waiting Room. Then of course, we finished at Jo'burg. It was a lot of fun.
We still had our rental car (whom we named Uncle Al) the next day so we drove to Camps Bay to the beach. Its a gorgeous beach. Camps Bay is a high end part of town that we hadnt really been to yet, so we allowed ourselves to splurge and had lunh at a nice restaurant over looking the beach. I had rissoto with prawns, mussles, and hake. It was so delicious. That night we ate at a restaurant called Beluga because they had a R99 sushi special and half price cocktails. Me, Jamal, Alex, and Olga went.
Well, that was my week! It was very eventful. Today I am staying in and studying for my drama exam on Thursday. Mpho comes home today to. She went back to Limpopo for a few days because her uncle passed away. She left on Saturday and will be back today. Im excited because I havent seen her in like a week and a half. Also, MY BIRHDAY IS THIS WEEKEND!!! Im so excited! only 5 more days! I think this birthday is going to be really fun. Im having this huge birthday bash at this club called Cybar in Rodebosch. One of my friends, Vuyoo, booked the VIP area for me and 30 guests. It will be really nice because I will get to celebrate my birthday and have a last big night with all of my friends before i have to head back to the states and be a responsible adult again. Saturday is my party, but Sunday is my actual birthday. So, on Sunday my roomies have something planned for me. They wont tell me what it is, but Im sure it is probably something fun.
i cant believe we leave in three weeks. Its really unbelievable. Im doing my best not to worry and Im actually doing a really good job. Usually by now I would be having panic attacks from stress. But, Im going home with no money, with no place to live when I get there and no money to get a new place, no money to buy plane tickets to visit my family and friends, but hey, Im going back with a great experience and I wouldnt take it back for the world.
Im suppossed to go to Namibia on the 8th. I really really really want to go. It suppossed to be absolutely beautiful there. They have the biggest sand dunes in the world. But, Im really running out of money so I dont know if Ill be able to afford it. So! If my lovely family wants to give me a birthdya present please give me money so I can go to Namibia. The rand is at 11.3 to the dollar so I really only need like $200 more dollars. Thatll be enough to buy my bus ticket plus have some extra to spend.
I feel like the next time I blog will probably be right before I leave for home judging by my track record. So until then, Cheers! See you in a few wekks!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)