The Ultimate Goal is Love

Wow, I haven't written since 2008. That sounds like so much longer than it feels... if that makes sense. I didn't blog the entire time I was in South Africa in 2009 because my internet access was pretty much nonexistent, which is a shame because that trip was absolutely life changing.

So! What brings me back to blogging after so long?? Well, as you probably already know I am returning to South Africa for the adventure of a lifetime in just a few days... 3 to be exact. In the midst of packing and making all the preparations for my trip I realize that I am going through a major shift in so many aspects of my life. I can especially feel it in my spirit. Just the mere preparation for this trip has been a long journey and a major growing experience. I have never felt like such a failure and such a success at the same time. I've never felt so close to truth, but still felt like such a liar. I've never been so sure about something while not believing it at all. All of my "stuff" my issues, my challenges, my rusty points came to a head during this last 6 months on fundraising and preparing to spend an extended period of time half half way across the world alone. Spiritually this has been a very strengthening experience. Like, I feel very close to God. But at the same time it has brought up so many questions.
I set out on this quest because I believe God ordained it for me. I believe that this is just the beginning of the master plan He has set out for my life. As exciting as that is, it was also a very scary realization because there were so many times I wanted to give up, but every time I would think about the kids and think about how much bigger this all is than me I would realize how selfish I was being and keep pressing on. Now let me be frank, things definitely did not turn out the way I expected and that was REALLY hard for me to digest. You see, i never actually heard a voice speak to me or anything, but... One day during the Simon's Branch Missions trip to South Africa in 2009 I was doing drama work with the children outside of a school building. They were all in a circle around me and I was in the middle giving instructions. Then there was a moment, like a brief moment where time seemed to sort of slow down and I heard a whisper coming from my Inner Self, the Holy Spirit, God or whatever term you prefer that said "this is what you are supposed to be doing". In that moment I felt very alive and very safe. It was almost surreal. And that when I realized that I would definitely be coming back to work with these children. I immediately made a promise to myself that I would follow my heart and no matter what happened when I got back to the states I would stick to this commitment. As I thought more and more about it and began to really pray and seek guidance from God I realized that there was no way I could make this happen on my own, so I decided right then and there to totally and completely put this all in God's hands. I have NEVER done that with ANYTHING. I am a total control freak and have major issues with trust so even though throughout my life I would say that I was putting something in God's hands that just meant I was half praying about it and half depending on my own human ability to get the thing done. This time was different though. No the hard thing is that I didnt get a lot of the things that I was believing God for, but I believe that it will come according to His time, not mine, and according to His will.
I'm going to be very honest and admit how hard it is to use certain words and phrases in this blog in fear of being misunderstood. For example words such as "God" and "His" and "His will". Anyone who knows me knows how deep of a personal relationship I have with God but my beliefs are quite different than most of my family and friends. I choose to use the word "God" when speaking of The Divine because its what i'm used to and what i'm comfortable with. However, number one, I believe that all other names for The Divine are just as appropriate and worthy of respect. Number two, I do not believe God to be a far out there man-spirit-thing who lives way up in the sky, sits on a throne, and makes rules that you must follow or else you will die the end. I believe that God is a divine manifestation of love that lives inside and all around us and that we all have access to him if we just take the time to listen. I believe God gave us rules not because He's a big mean angry man who likes to punish us, but because He loves us and wants to spare us some of the pain we will encounter if we do not follow His commandments. Most importantly fin my opinion God is love. He lives right inside of us and we dont have to reach outside of ourselves into the heavens to find Him. His spirit lives in us and will guide us and comfort us if we are just quite enough to listen to it. Sidenote: I us the pronoun "He" because its what Im used to and it doesnt make me uncomfortable. However I have no objections to people using other pronouns when referring to God.
WOW! Talk about going off on a tangent! I have no idea where that all came from lol. But it really relates to this trip because although I am going primarily to do drama work with the children, I also want to share my light and love that I have experienced through my personal relationship with God with them. I want them to be able to come to know and love God in a healthy and positive way. I'm not saying i am going to force them to all listen to me rant about religion or anything, but given the chance I would like to pass my light on to them as well.
So, moving on... I have just started packing today. I am about half way done. I know I am wayyyyy over packing but its hard to know what to bring. Im going to be living in the city but working in the township so I feel like I need to bring appropriate clothes for both. Also, I will be there for a year so I feel the need to pack for all the seasons too. I dunno, im hoping that I can just fit everything into one big suitcase because this is definitely not a fashion show, its a missions trip. This time is so scary because I have no idea what its going to be like. I literally have absolutely no idea what to expect. I'm so afraid that im going to get there and be completely bored and frustrated because everything is unorganized and I feel like im wasting my time and had too high hopes. But im praying that that wont happen lol. Hopefully thats just my cold feet talking. I'm hoping that I that I am able to create a great program for these kids and really help them aim for brighter futures. And if nothing else I hope to be to them what Freddie was to us: someone who is a reminder that they are loved, beautiful, talented, and just bombs of greatness ready to explode. I hope to make this kids smile. I hope that during the short time that I am with them each day I can get their minds off of the sickness and poverty that dominates their lives and give them the opportunity to create something that makes them feel good about themselves.
My ultimate goal: love. For the next year (or however long i am there) I plan to love as completely, as unconditionally, and as fully as I possibly can. Not only the children although they come first, but also myself and everyone I meet. I plan to exercise truth to the best of my ability. I plan on asking for exactly what I want in all situations without letting fear get in the way. I plan on honoring my feelings at all times and nurturing my True Self so that I can grow into all that God has for me to be.
Yes, I am scared, but im also very at peace. I know that no matter what everything will be okay and this experience is one huge lesson that I cannot miss out on learning.
I am also extremely excited!! I'm so ready for a fresh start. I'm so ready to be doing good in the world again and to be around children everyday. And of course i'm ecstatic about being in my favorite place in the world again!! I CAN NOT WAIT to be back in Cape Town. I am so freakin in love with that place and all it represents for me. And of course even thought of getting to see Mpho again brings tears to my eyes.
I have so much more to say, but im being distracted right now so I'm going to go and write more tomorrow. Thank you for reading.
Love and Light,
-me